Faith Through the Journey

Over the course of this past year since my cancer diagnosis, I’ve had ups and downs, good days and challenging ones. As much as I know in my head that I should be very thankful to be at this place, there are days when I struggle to be grateful. At those times I generally take myself in hand and give myself a stern talking to. I tell myself that I haven’t had to endure nearly as much as others have with their cancer treatments, that my life has pretty much returned to normal and that I should just “get over it”, suck it up and move on.

I still get frustrated with my speech and the fact that, to me, it just doesn’t feel right. If I try to talk too fast (for me anyway) it feels like my tongue is tripping over the words and I wonder if people can understand me. I may never have feeling in my neck where the lymph nodes were surgically removed and which left me with a visible scar, which is definitely NOT normal. Chewing and swallowing normally can also become an exercise in frustration.

Truthfully, I wish I could go back to the time before I had cancer, and the treatment that was required to remove the offending parts had taken place. I’m 99.9% sure that this is the sentiment of anyone who has ever heard those dreaded words “You have cancer”! And I venture to say that every cancer patient probably has thrown themselves a pity party at the unfairness of having to deal with this at all! Quoting every Scripture I’ve ever read about thankfulness isn’t enough to change how I feel on the discouraging days. While it’s ok to feel this way at different points and be honest about the way I feel, it serves no purpose to “camp out” there.

As I was self-talking recently something occurred (?!) to me about the whole attitude thing. While I can convince my head that I’m blessed, my heart hasn’t quite caught up to that. So what should I do? Clearly, I can’t change my heart–but fortunately I do know the One who can! God already knows very well about the struggle I have and He is certainly able to give me what I need most right now–a thankful heart. Why didn’t I ask for this sooner?? The Bible says in James 4:2, that we don’t have because we don’t ask God! If God is able to cleanse my heart from sin, He can definitely change it into a thankful one!

“I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of You among the peoples. For great is Your love, reaching to the heavens; Your faithfulness reaching to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let Your glory be over all the earth.” Psalm 57:9-11