Faith Through the Journey

Seven months ago, if you had told me what this day would be like, I don’t know that I would have believed you. After my diagnosis of cancer, I knew that the surgery required to eradicate the disease would drastically alter my speech, my eating, pretty much everything I do with my mouth. There would most likely also be a neck surgery which would leave me somewhat unable to turn my head and leave a very visible scar right in the front of my neck. Once we embarked on this journey, there was no turning back and no guarantees of what my future would look like. Perhaps the hardest thing I knew that would have to change in my life was that I would no longer be able to sing with the Worship Team at my church. How could I sing when my mouth didn’t work right, when turning my head would be a herculean task?

I remember standing at my hospital room window the Sunday night after my surgery. The nurses had just tried to get me to swallow what seemed like a dozen pills.  I was unable to swallow them, gagging as I tried to get them to go down my very swollen throat. I stood there crying, so frustrated and sad over what my life had become. Talking understandably was so far from what I was capable of, and singing wasn’t even on the radar. Trying to communicate with what I perceived to be a “mess in my mouth” seemed completely unattainable. But God…

In the days, weeks and months that followed, I had to learn how to live with my altered speech. My mouth wasn’t the same, and likely never would be back to its original state. I had to learn to think about every syllable I spoke so that I would be understood by whomever I was speaking to. I was truly blessed by my sweet family, who listened to me stumble over words and didn’t call my attention to what I WASN’T saying correctly.

I knew one of the biggest challenges on this journey would be whether or not I would be able to participate in leading worship again as a vocalist. In my heart, I wanted to sing so badly, but would it work with all the changes that had taken place? I didn’t know if this would work or not, but in recent days I felt the Lord telling me it was time. Was I going to trust Him with this or would I be too worried about whether I sounded “right” to myself? Would I sing to glorify the God Who had seen me through some of the hardest days of my life, or would I hold back, more worried about my ability than praising God?

Today, after a 7-month absence, I joined the Worship Team again. Being able to stand and praise my Heavenly Father as the One who gave me everything I’ve needed these months was such an honor and privilege. I was able to stand, not as a musician, but as a child of God who was offering up a sacrifice of praise to the God Who holds every minute of my life in His hands.

“By Your Spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat. The resurrected King is resurrecting me.”

“Oh the cross of Jesus Christ is the reason I’m alive. For His blood has set me free, it will never lose its power for me.”