Faith Through the Journey

Bad things happen to bad people, right? That’s what our human nature and innate sense of fairness tells us about the way life should be, at least in our very limited scope of perception. But what about when things go wrong and there’s no one to blame, no GOOD reason why that should happen? We have trouble wrapping our minds around that inconvenient truth.

There’s no good explanation for why I should have had Crohn’s Disease for 44 years. Even though I have enjoyed times of remission and respite, I’ve had six major surgeries, countless medications, hospitalizations, complications, etc. And then last year cancer entered my life. I wasn’t indulging in a dangerous lifestyle, living recklessly or trying to deliberately disobey God. Is there a good answer to this question?

To be sure, there are many instances where bad behavior brings bad consequences. Driving 100 mph while intoxicated does NOT produce a good outcome, nor does indulging in gluttony or dangerous drugs. But what if you’re not doing this, and things still go wrong?

Recently in my Bible reading I came upon a verse that leapt off the page at me. In John 9, Jesus and his disciples came upon a blind man, and the disciples asked Jesus if the man’s or his parents’ sin that had caused his blindness. Jesus said to them “You’re asking the wrong question. You’re looking for someone to blame. There’s no such cause-effect here. Look instead for what God can do.” Whoa. So…maybe asking “Why?” isn’t always the correct question when it comes to figuring out the reason for life happening the way it does. Perhaps there’s something more to consider.

If you’ve ever dealt with a 3-year-old, you know that the most dominant word in their vocabulary is “Why?” As a parent/grandparent/teacher you patiently try to give them answers that will satisfy, only to be met with yet more “Why?” responses! When you finally run of answers and realize that they really don’t WANT to know “Why?”, the standard go-to answer then becomes “Because I said so!” Even the smartest human being can’t compare to God in intelligence or understanding, nor can we see all that He sees. Wrestling with understanding God’s ways and purposes is often misdirected effort on our part. Choosing instead to look for what God can and wants to do is a better choice, for when we are focused on HIM and not our circumstances, we gain hope instead of frustration. We open ourselves to what HE is going for in our lives.  We allow the challenging situations to become opportunities to see what God wants to do instead of being mired in self-pity and the “why me?” pit of despair. Asking a loving God what He is going for in our lives will yield a fruitful response, for He doesn’t play hide and seek. He states plainly in Jeremiah 29:13: “You will seek Me and find Me, if you seek Me with all your heart.” We just have to ask the right question!

The 15th of every month now brings the marking of time since the cancer diagnosis was first made for us. Feeling more comfortable with my “new” self is coming gradually, though the audible and visible reminders of the changes are never too far away. When I wake up in the mornings, my mouth feels dry and my neck is stiff, reminders that I no longer have “original equipment”. At these moments, I am tempted to long for my “old” self, the one without all of these extra challenges.

But then I am reminded that I am not the same person I was nine months ago. None of us can go backward in our lives, only forward. While I would under no circumstances choose the cancer that has forever changed my life, neither would I trade the closeness I have experienced with my Savior. Although physical illness has been my companion for many years, somehow cancer brought me to my knees in a way that Crohn’s Disease had not. While Crohn’s was a plague, something that made me miserable, cancer could take my life. Eternity became much closer, and the love of God was more precious that it has ever been in my many years of walking with Jesus. I AM LOVED BY MY HEAVENLY FATHER! I AM PRECIOUS TO HIM! 

Last Sunday I had the joy of again singing with our church worship team as we sang praise to our Savior. We sang a song that crystallized all of the things that God was wanting me to learn and proclaim. These are the words to “New Wine”:

In the crushing, in the pressing, You are making new wine. In the soil I now surrender, You are breaking new ground. So I yield to You and to Your careful hand. When I trust You I don’t need to understand. Make me Your vessel, make me an offering. Make me whatever You want me to be. I came here with nothing but all You have given me. Jesus, bring new wine out of me. ‘Cause where there in new wine there is new power. There is new freedom and the kingdom is here. I lay down my old flames to carry Your new fire today. 

While the future, my future, is so uncertain, I am SO at peace with whatever God wants. My desire is to stay out of His way as He does whatever He chooses to do in my life and the lives of others. We have been so loved and supported by so many friends and family, and we desire that they will be blessed and encouraged by the God who loves each and every one of us, as though we were the only person who has ever lived!

 JESUS, BRING NEW WINE OUT OF ME!

When I had the second cancer surgery in November of 2017, it was to remove lymph nodes that MIGHT have been cancerous, based on the thickness of the original tumor. It turned out that there was indeed one cancerous node that needed to be removed. I had not, however, counted on the fact that the nerves to my left shoulder had been cut and that I would have to work hard to regain the normal use of my shoulder, a side effect for which I was not fully prepared.  I noticed this about a month after the surgery when I began having trouble using my left arm normally and I began to “lean to the left”. My family doctor gave me some exercises to do to regain the use of my partially frozen shoulder, so I started doing them in order to be able to use my left arm and shoulder in a normal fashion. Eventually these did work, and I was able to raise both of my arms above my head! This was actually ironic, because in 2006 I fell and broke my right elbow. The doctor who performed the four-hour surgery to put my elbow back together was not optimistic about the prognosis, saying that I would probably need an elbow replacement at some point. My right elbow is still held together by plates and screws (which don’t set off airport metal detectors!), and my right arm is just a few degrees shy of vertical. God really is good, and I think He enjoys surprising us at what He alone can do! It is not lost on me that I have held all 4 of my grandchildren in this “damaged” right arm, and even when I carry groceries I remember that my arm could have been hanging and useless many years ago.

During my recovery period I spent a lot of time listening to Christian music, being encouraged and having my own private worship time with the Lord. I hesitate to share these things because they are personal, and yet I can’t ignore the fact that God has met me in every place I’ve been in this journey. A number of years ago, when our church was first in existence, we sang a song by Dennis Jernigan that expresses beautifully what the raising of hands in worship means. “And with our hands lifted high we will worship and sing;  and with our hands lifted high we come before You rejoicing; with our hands lifted high to the sky, when the world wonders why,  we’ll just tell them we’re loving our King.” What parent doesn’t reach for their child when he or she stands with their arms uplifted, wanting to be picked up and hugged? That’s the way God our Father loves us, with His arms outstretched and ready to “pick us up” and that’s one way we can express our love to Him.

A few weeks ago, when I was able to return to singing with the church worship team, I was overwhelmed and full of gratitude. My mouth worked well enough that I was able to sing and be understood while I sang on mic! For whatever reason,  probably because I’m right handed, I’ve always held the microphone in my right hand. I’m always conscious of the cord on the mic, and I have a fear of face-planting on the platform on a Sunday morning after tripping over the cord! However, holding the microphone with my right hand has always meant my left hand  held the microphone cord and tried to keep it out of the way of my feet. But did God want me to use my left hand for a different purpose, other than not trying to injure myself by keeping the cord away from my feet? I can’t help but believe that God healed my left arm and shoulder, and allowed me to continue to sing as part of the worship team, so that I might reach upward to my Heavenly Father in love with my HEALED left arm! Out of those times when I was privately “loving my King”, I was merely preparing to return to being part of the worship team who not only sang but demonstrated their love for our Heavenly King. With gratitude and thanks to the God who has seen me through every second of this journey, I can now raise BOTH of my restored hands in praise to my loving Father. The brokenness–and the restoration–of my left arm is just one more demonstration of God’s grace. How can I NOT lift that hand in praise to Him? “And Lord, while I lift my hand in praise, could you please make sure that I don’t trip on the cord?!”

Thirty years ago, I had surgery for Crohn’s Disease. “That’s over with!” I thought…Boy, was I wrong! It turns out that the surgery I had in 1988 was the first of SIX surgeries for Crohn’s that I’ve had to go through– so far anyway. I’m glad I didn’t know at that point what lay ahead over the years. Even though my most recent colonoscopy was clear (thankfully!), I’ve learned that it’s never over, that Crohn’s is indeed a lifelong disease, and that this is a marathon, not a short sprint. That being said, I also have no doubt that if God Himself intervened and I never again had to deal with Crohn’s, it would be so. I must therefore conclude that God isn’t done teaching me, or those around me, all that we need to learn using the tool of ongoing Crohn’s Disease in my life. Forty-four years after being diagnosed, I guess I’m finally accepting that fact!

Enter the new challenge of cancer. Squamous cell carcinoma was an unknown adversary until last August. Surgery seems to be my destiny with these lovely diseases, and once again this was the only treatment advised for this cruel invasion. I hated the thought of doing this again, and yet it was somewhat of a known experience. At least I knew that I would be able to get out of bed without nearly as much difficulty as when I’ve had abdominal surgery! Of course, the new wrinkles of the surgeries I had included difficulty in chewing, swallowing and talking, and the hazard of burning myself because the left side of my head was numb due to the nerves being cut. I also had to work hard to regain most of the range of motion of my left shoulder. An additional cancer site was found on my right hand, so it had to be removed as well. We were given the option of radiation treatment, but since the answer was not a clear cut yes or no, we prayed about it and felt that doing the least amount of treatment was the best course of action, or inaction!

After the surgeries were completed, I was declared cancer free, for the time being anyway. We began the process of observation, which has included and will include doctor’s appointments and visual inspection, ultrasounds, CT scans and PET scans. Our hope, of course, is that no cancer is ever found again; HOWEVER, our experience with Crohn’s Disease has taught us that declaring something “over” too soon will only bring disappointment. I don’t need to go into panic mode every time I have an appointment, but by the same token I must remember that this, too, is a marathon, a journey, not quickly concluded. Words like “could be related to metastatic disease” and “further evaluation with IV contrast would be beneficial” are not exactly what I wanted to hear, but if my doctor wasn’t very alarmed or wanting me to have another scan right away, then I didn’t need to jump to negative conclusions.

“When did I forget that You’ve always been the King of the World? I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the World? How could I make You so small when You’re the One who holds it all? When did I forget that You’ve always been the King of the World? You will ALWAYS be the King of the World!”   Natalie Grant

Yes, taking life one step, one day at a time sounds very simplistic, but as long I can rest in the fact that God is still on His throne and He is still the King of the World, I know that whatever the next step is, God already sees it and holds my future firmly in His hands.

This morning I had my first post-surgical, cancer-free (we sincerely trust) ultrasound exam. As I waited in line to turn in my paperwork, the lady in line behind me said she’d been praying for the Lord to teach her patience. I laughed and said, “Don’t you know better than to ask for that?” She laughed as well, and said she was being given many opportunities. We were both helped in short order and then waited for our names to be called for our exams.

When my name was called, I went with the technician, who looked younger than my youngest child. I’m afraid it’s that way now…I’ve reached “that” age. She was very sweet and calm, and there was even a student shadowing her. This was just routine, and the doctor told me to be sure to have the technician scan my entire neck since the tumor under my tongue was thick enough to warrant dissection of the left side of my neck. The doctor found one cancerous lymph node in that procedure, so observation of both sides of my neck was warranted. She began the exam, and at that moment, I was hit with a flood of thoughts about the magnitude of this test. I didn’t want to freak out or scare the technician, but I was suddenly flooded with thoughts about the possibility that this test could reveal more cancerous lymph nodes or tumors that hadn’t been found yet. I also thought about the resolution of this particular type of scan. According to the medical professionals, ultrasounds are 70% accurate in detecting cancers, CT scans are 80% accurate, and PET scans are 90% accurate–in detecting cancers greater than 5mm in size. You see, I had 3 cancers removed. The largest one was the tumor under my tongue, 6mm thick, and the others were too small to be detected in the most “accurate” scans. The other two were a lymph node, 4mm in size, and one on my hand that was even smaller. They never showed up on a scan, but they were there and had to be removed. I couldn’t help but remember the surgical procedures that were in my very recent past, and I was overwhelmed with the thought that I might have to go through them AGAIN. As the exam concluded, the technician told me the doctor would have the results that afternoon. I will have my follow-up appointment with him in 2 weeks, and at that point he will tell us what may or may not be visible on the scan.

Fear is in the back of my mind, and rears its ugly head at moments I don’t expect it to. At different times in the past 8 months, I’ve been reminded of something that was spoken by the pastor who married our youngest daughter and her husband last June. He included, as part of their wedding ceremony, that there would be times during their marriage that fear might intrude. God already gave the remedy for that when He spoke in His Word, over 300 times, that we were to “fear not”. Why? Because God is with us, because He holds us, because He is our God, the Lord Almighty.

Later this afternoon, I heard one of my favorite new songs, “Fear is a Liar” by Zach Williams. I’ve heard it a number of times during the past months, but the word meant even more today: “Fear is a liar; he will take your breath, stop you in your steps. Fear is a liar; he will rob your rest, steal your happiness; fear…he is a liar.” This is not surprising, because Satan is a liar, and the father of lies (John 8:44). The source of fear and lies is not God. Therefore, if I am a child of God, I will choose faith and truth, the opposite of fear and lies. The final outcome rests with the One Who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, Jesus Christ. There is no one more worthy of my trust!

Seven months ago, if you had told me what this day would be like, I don’t know that I would have believed you. After my diagnosis of cancer, I knew that the surgery required to eradicate the disease would drastically alter my speech, my eating, pretty much everything I do with my mouth. There would most likely also be a neck surgery which would leave me somewhat unable to turn my head and leave a very visible scar right in the front of my neck. Once we embarked on this journey, there was no turning back and no guarantees of what my future would look like. Perhaps the hardest thing I knew that would have to change in my life was that I would no longer be able to sing with the Worship Team at my church. How could I sing when my mouth didn’t work right, when turning my head would be a herculean task?

I remember standing at my hospital room window the Sunday night after my surgery. The nurses had just tried to get me to swallow what seemed like a dozen pills.  I was unable to swallow them, gagging as I tried to get them to go down my very swollen throat. I stood there crying, so frustrated and sad over what my life had become. Talking understandably was so far from what I was capable of, and singing wasn’t even on the radar. Trying to communicate with what I perceived to be a “mess in my mouth” seemed completely unattainable. But God…

In the days, weeks and months that followed, I had to learn how to live with my altered speech. My mouth wasn’t the same, and likely never would be back to its original state. I had to learn to think about every syllable I spoke so that I would be understood by whomever I was speaking to. I was truly blessed by my sweet family, who listened to me stumble over words and didn’t call my attention to what I WASN’T saying correctly.

I knew one of the biggest challenges on this journey would be whether or not I would be able to participate in leading worship again as a vocalist. In my heart, I wanted to sing so badly, but would it work with all the changes that had taken place? I didn’t know if this would work or not, but in recent days I felt the Lord telling me it was time. Was I going to trust Him with this or would I be too worried about whether I sounded “right” to myself? Would I sing to glorify the God Who had seen me through some of the hardest days of my life, or would I hold back, more worried about my ability than praising God?

Today, after a 7-month absence, I joined the Worship Team again. Being able to stand and praise my Heavenly Father as the One who gave me everything I’ve needed these months was such an honor and privilege. I was able to stand, not as a musician, but as a child of God who was offering up a sacrifice of praise to the God Who holds every minute of my life in His hands.

“By Your Spirit I will rise from the ashes of defeat. The resurrected King is resurrecting me.”

“Oh the cross of Jesus Christ is the reason I’m alive. For His blood has set me free, it will never lose its power for me.”

No, it isn’t Christmas already! Because of my very long history of gastrointestinal disease (excuse my indelicacy!), I’m required to have an annual colonoscopy. Actually, I’m always glad to have only one colonoscopy a year! There have been numerous times I have had to have more than one. Springtime, for me, means it’s time for yet another of these lovely procedures. Since I have a 44-year history of Crohn’s Disease, I’m at higher risk for colon cancer and the formation of polyps, as well as recurrences of Crohn’s, colitis and diverticulitis, so the doctor has to keep a close watch for these things in particular.

This year’s test is one I’ve been curious about for some time. I have been off of all the medications I was taking to keep the Crohn’s in remission since I was diagnosed with cancer in August. I stopped taking them because it’s quite possible that they allowed the formation of cancer cells at several sites in my body. The only risk factor I possessed for the location and type of cancer I had was that I had been taking immunosuppressant medications. Restarting ANY type of immunosuppressant drug can open me up to cancer again. Thus, we are very curious about the condition of my digestive system! If there is any disease activity, we will have to make a decision about treatment. The last time I stopped just one of the medications, I had a flare-up of the disease and had to go back on both medications.

Last Sunday morning in church I had a 43-year flashback to 1975, the year after I had first been diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease. My family doctor in my hometown put me through all of the GI tests again because I came home from my freshman year of college feeling pretty crummy. He believed that the Crohn’s was flaring and, like the year before, sent us back to Mayo Clinic because they had treated me there. If I needed surgery, as he believed I might, he wanted the experts to do it. The first thing they gave us was a schedule to REPEAT all of the horrible GI tests I had just been through!! Were they nuts?? As a 19-year-old girl, I was pretty compliant and wanted to please people, but I told my parents that there was NO WAY I was going through that again!! Then I looked at the passage of Scripture we had just studied in Luke 5 the week before in our Sunday school class. Jesus told Peter and the other fishermen to put their nets out in the morning, even though they had fished all night and caught nothing. The result, after they obeyed, was a catch of fish so large that their nets broke. It was as though the Lord was asking me, “Are you going to be obedient and trust Me for the strength to go through the tests, as well as the outcome?” With a very reluctant yes, I did go through the tests and discovered that there had actually been healing in my digestive system and that I would NOT have to have surgery then. I also formed a relationship with a doctor who gave me a strategy to try to live with Crohn’s in such a way that it would not rule my life. Last Sunday I went back to that place where I was obedient and trusted God for the outcome of medical tests, and I don’t believe it’s a coincidence that I find myself at that place yet again.

If there’s one thing I’ve been reminded of repeatedly–blessedly!–in the past year, it’s that I don’t have to be afraid of whatever the outcome of medical tests may be. The words to yet another song (what else?) state truthfully about my Heavenly Father: “You split the sea so I could walk right through it, You drowned my fears in perfect love. You rescued me so I can stand and say, I AM A CHILD OF GOD!!” So, whatever happens this week, we’re good, because God is in control of the test AND the outcome!

This week it will have been six months since my first cancer surgery, the partial glossectomy–or, in truth, the day my tongue was carved apart to remove a cancerous tumor. When I saw the surgeon last month, he said the healing has been excellent and he’s very pleased with my progress. That is the medical, clinical side of my recovery. No complications, no infections, nothing unusual or dramatic to report.

Emotionally, I still struggle on a daily basis with my altered speech. When I wake up in the morning, it’s hard to get my mouth and tongue moving the way my brain is telling it to, and I still sound like I have a mouth full of marbles. Talking on the phone can be monumentally frustrating as my “different” speech is not always understood by the person on the other end of the call. Being somewhat of a perfectionist, anything less than speaking the way I did before the surgery is not acceptable to my way of thinking.

Not being an authority on cancer’s aftermath, I can only speak from my experience and that of others close to me. Treatment may continue for years, it may conclude with a last observation or test, or it may end in the “ultimate healing” of death. For every cancer patient, or for surviving family members, the physical and emotional effects can continue for years, and may never end no matter how distant the diagnosis and treatment may be. Moving on happens to some degree, at least for the living, but there are some days that the diagnosis, the treatment, all of it is as fresh as the day it happened. The reality that this disease has forever changed our lives and our families hits at the most unexpected times. I get tired of thinking about it and LIVING with it, and often I wish I could turn back time to the days before this ever happened.

The other night I was listening to Christian radio and once again Casting Crowns was expressing my thoughts perfectly! “Just Be Held” was playing, and one line in particular stood out and hit me between the eyes: “Your world’s not falling apart, it’s falling into place. I’m on the throne, stop holding on and just be held.” The thought that my life was falling into place at the time when I feel most out of control seems to make no sense. But in God’s ultimate plan, whatever that may be, it IS falling right where God intends it to be. If I believe Romans 8:28, that God does work all things together for those who love Him, then I MUST embrace the idea that cancer has been just one piece of my life that is falling into place and that a good God has a reason for it.

So on those days when I feel that I’m not progressing the way I should be, that I will never be who I was before cancer and surgery, I press on in the strength of the Lord. The puzzle pieces of my life are still being assembled and fitted together according to God’s plan, not mine.

It’s been awhile since I’ve had time to write, which must mean that I’m feeling well! Rest and relaxation hasn’t been on my schedule for the past two and a half weeks.

We’ve had appointments with my head and neck surgeon as well as my gastroenterologist. My surgeon was pleased with my progress, scheduling me for an ultrasound before I see him again next month. As he was preparing to leave the room, I told him that my GI doctors were recommending that I begin taking another biologic drug to treat the Crohn’s Disease part of my health treatment. He has never been very emotive, his manner being calm and reassuring no matter how serious the diagnosis might be. However, that day both my husband and I saw the look in his eyes when I shared the GI recommendation of another biologic treatment, and it seemed to convey the idea of something like “Are you out of your mind?? Having gone through all you have, quite possibly due to immunosuppressant and biologic drugs, are you actually considering this??” Of course, he didn’t say that, because he can’t say positively that the cancer was caused by them, but it seems to be my only risk factor in having this particular cancer. We are still praying about what to do next with the Crohn’s, and anxiously (?!) await my annual colonoscopy later this month.

That same night, my husband and I were able to attend a wonderful concert by the group whose music has meant so much to us during this cancer journey, Casting Crowns. When they sang “Oh My Soul” we were both in tears as we remembered the early days after my diagnosis when the presence of Jesus was so real and we were carried by the fact that we have never been alone for one second of this journey. “God of All My Days” reminded us again that no matter what our lives hold, God is the same and is truly the God of ALL our days, the good, the bad and the ordinary.

For eleven straight days I worked as an election judge in Texas’ early voting cycle prior to the actual election day of March 6. In Texas, early voting is available for 8-12 days prior to the election date itself. Theoretically, this is to make it more convenient for citizens to vote thereby increasing voter turnout, although I’m not sure it actually does. Judges are required to be present at the polling place every minute it is open, and with 8-12 hour days it becomes quite tiring. My biggest challenge, however, wasn’t just the physical demands of working that many hours. It was in talking with literally thousands of voters during that period. Every insecurity I’ve felt about the way I speak, how my words sound, was magnified. I was speaking to total strangers, working around my strangely-shaped tongue, trying to be understood and not sound like I had marbles in my mouth. When a voter didn’t hear me or understand what I was saying, I felt exposed and vulnerable. If I spoke too fast, I seemed to trip over my words and got frustrated with my “new” mouth for not responding in the way I wanted it to. But as hard as it was, I know it was good for me to have to push myself to do something that was difficult and forced me out of my comfort zone.

A few weeks ago we were helping care for two of our grandsons.  As my husband and I played with them in the park, I was struck by the thought that I am well enough to do that! It could have turned out very differently last fall, because cancer is unpredictable. I know too that there are no guarantees about the path of the disease and my future health. But right now, I am SO grateful to be at this place and able to enjoy surprising my grandsons by going down the slide with them at the playground!

The past 6 months of my life have been focused on cancer-cancer treatment, surgery, recovery, and we’re about to enter the observation part of the journey. On Tuesday I will have my 3-month follow-up appointment with my head and neck surgeon, who will then tell us exactly what my follow-up will look like.

The piece of the puzzle that still remains to be seen is further treatment for Crohn’s Disease, what a new infusion treatment will look like, the risk of doing nothing vs. possible side effects of the new drug. I am not excited about another “change” in my treatment and how it could affect my life yet again.

Figuring out how to do life with all of these pieces to consider is challenging and somewhat overwhelming. On the other hand, trying to return to a “normal” way of life is also challenging! Shifting gears from “sick” to “well” requires a degree of mental gymnastics and self-talk every day, sometimes hour by hour. I am beyond blessed to be at this point with my cancer journey, and I thank the Lord every day that I haven’t had to deal with the treatment many have had to endure. I almost feel guilty that the cancer sites in my body have been removed while others are battling inoperable cancers. However, I will always have the  surgical scars, and my speech is still a source of frustration to me. Others have told me repeatedly that they can understand me fine, but it doesn’t feel or sound right to me. I still have tears of frustration at this unwanted change in my body that will never be the same again.

Outwardly, things look normal, and resuming life as it was before cancer seems to be in order. It’s that mental shift that I have to make from “patient” to “survivor” that can be difficult in some circumstances. Life isn’t about having continual times of crisis, or we would be constantly exhausted from the physical/mental/emotional strain of living in that place. We will always experience high points and low ones, but mostly we will have lots of ordinary days in between these points. In Matthew 11, Jesus invites to come to Him and He will give us rest. He never intended for us to be constantly in those places that wear us out.

Another song has become significant to me in recent days, “God of All My Days” by Casting Crowns. It speaks of God’s presence and rescue from those points where He is the only One who can pull us back from certain disaster. But it also says this: “Each step I take, You make a way. And I will give You all my praise. My seasons change, You stay the same. You’re the God of ALL my days.”