Faith Through the Journey

“Make sure no outsider who now follows God ever has occasion to say, ‘God put me in second class. I don’t really belong.’ And make sure that no physically mutilated person is ever made to think, ‘I’m damaged goods. I don’t really belong.’ For God says to the mutilated who keep My Sabbaths and choose what delights Me and keep a firm grip on My covenant. I’ll provide them an honored place in My family and within My city, even more honored than that of sons and daughters. I’ll confer permanent honors on them that will never be revoked.” (Isaiah 56:3-5, The Message)

I don’t have to look very hard or very far to see the broken places in my body. I have a 6-inch scar on my abdomen that has been opened and closed 6 times to remove/correct the damage Crohn’s disease has done to my digestive system. Last year I received some new scars from cancer surgeries. My tongue was cut to remove the cancerous tumor, and then my neck was cut to remove 42 lymph nodes, 1 of which was cancerous. These are permanent marks that will never go away.

For every person who has had injuries/surgeries, these places will remain that way. I’ve thought more than once that I’m “damaged goods” because I no longer have original equipment and my body functions much differently than it used to. These words of Isaiah give hope and comfort to everyone who has been broken in some way. Even the scars that aren’t visible to others are known by God Himself who sees those hidden “scars”. He certainly doesn’t see them as off-putting but identifies those who bear them as worthy of the same honor as those who have visible scars.

After His crucifixion and resurrection, Jesus Himself bore scars in His hands and side. In fact, He told His disciples to look at His scars! They were the marks by which His identity was confirmed! He did not see Himself as damaged goods because the scars in His body were there on our behalf. His death and resurrection bought forgiveness and life eternal to everyone who willingly received it.

Our scars do not offend God, nor does He see us as damaged goods. In fact, just the opposite is true! Isaiah the prophet made this clear, that God gives us “permanent honors that will never be revoked”!

Yesterday my daily Bible reading took to me to what has become my life passage of Scripture, II Corinthians 12:7-10. As I read these words again, I couldn’t help but think of all the times these words of Paul have expressed my feelings about the strange “gift” of physical illness or weakness. “Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was to push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first, I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then He told me: ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’ Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness.” 

I will be the first to admit that I’m nowhere near Paul as a spiritual equal! However, I was very privileged to have grown up in a Christian home, attend a Christian college, study the Bible in-depth and be encouraged by other believers in all the places we have ever lived. Being diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune disease at the age of 18 was and has been a challenge for many years, and were it not for all of the foundational Bible teaching I’ve experienced I know I would have just given in to self-pity and given up on much of life. That being said, there have definitely been dark times when I felt sorry myself, wondering what I had done to deserve this crummy disease. During one period where pain was my constant companion and I watched the clock to see if it was time for me to take more meds to take the edge off of the pain, I remember crying out to God, “Make me better, or take me home! I CAN’T DO THIS ANY MORE!” Since I’m still here, He didn’t take me home! He did provide a way out of this pain in the form of a sixth major surgery for Crohn’s Disease.

Last year when cancer entered my life, possibly even in connection to the treatment for Crohn’s Disease, once again I had the opportunity to understand that God’s grace is enough to see me through yet more moments when I wanted to quit and withdraw from life. I don’t have to look very far, just at the broken places in my body, to recognize that my physical weaknesses are many and that I HAVE to have Christ’s strength to keep going. When I accept His strength, I can then focus not on the “handicap” but see that the “gift” of knowing that I can’t get through the days without Him. Facing more new physical challenges and a new doctor to help us navigate the possibilities of yet more treatments will be yet another opportunity to appreciate the gift of grace!

I heard a song on the radio this morning that expressed the need we all have to hear the right words at the right moment. “I am just like everyone. Jesus, I need You, I need Your love to save my life. Tell me what I need to hear, tell me that I’m not forgotten. Show me there’s a God Who can be more than all I’ve ever wanted. ‘Cause right now I need a little hope; I need to know that I’m not alone. Maybe God is calling you tonight to tell me something that might save my life.” Sidewalk Prophets

“Thank You, Lord, for the opportunities to see Your all-sufficient grace as the answer to walking through every step of this life!”

As I’ve approached September 14, 2018, I’ve tried to be measured and not allow my emotions to run away entirely with the magnitude of the date. One year ago, September 14, 2017, I had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor under my tongue. I didn’t really understand at the time how much my life would actually be changed. Not until I woke up in a hospital room hours after the surgery and began to feel the horrific pain in my tongue and throat did I begin to comprehend the life-changing experience of what cancer can do. I must very quickly say that what I have gone through is NOTHING compared to what thousands, even millions, more people have had to endure because of this awful plague of our generation. Family members and close friends have experienced the wholesale destruction of their bodies from the medications that are supposed to be eradicating the CANCER cells from their bodies! And the heartbreaking consequences that happen when those medications don’t work, when there’s nothing else to try…

I’ve shared many times that my mouth, the way it functions and the way I pronounce words, feels very different. I joked with our worship team that I HATE consonants! Vowels do not require your tongue to function! I have a very new appreciation for speech therapists and the service they perform. Oddly enough, my first speech therapy sessions focused on eating and nutrition! They understood that my tongue’s primary function should be to process nutrition and allow my body to heal. My daughter accompanied me to the first appointment and she was very focused on how to help me consume what would help me heal and recover my speaking abilities.

I remember the night I was moved to a private hospital room, a night when the doctor thought I should be going home. My pain was out of control, still, and I stood at my hospital room window overlooking the LifeFlight helipad, in tears. I wondered if there was ever going to be relief from my pain…I do remember being awake almost endlessly because they were still delivering my pain meds every two hours by way of the IV that was probably blown beyond what should have been used. I have never again allowed that vein to be used for ANYTHING. We were so grateful when a pain specialist was called in and prescribed medications that would allow me to FINALLY get beyond the need for IV pain meds! My son was in town that night and ready to take me home, but the logistics of getting the meds and getting me home were not aligning. The next morning, we were in “go” mode, and I was able to go home. Parenthetically, let me say that our three children, living in Connecticut, Arkansas, and Houston, Texas, were converging on San Antonio to take care of Mom. My wonderful husband has been my rock, the one who held me up when I wanted to quit. He attended every appointment and walked with me through every scenario of treatment along this journey.

Certain words still make me feel that I sound like Daffy Duck or that I’m spitting all over my audience. It will always be that way, I’ve come to accept, and it continues to remind me of the hand of God upon my life. It brought me to a place where I knew this was my LIFE, not the “nuisance” that Crohn’s Disease has been. Granted, Crohn’s has been serious from time to time, but cancer has the power to take your life when it’s untreated or discovered too late. I was actually BLESSED to have symptoms that allowed us to seek treatment when it was still in its early stages. Quite ironically, one of the hardest words for me to say is JESUS! The J sound and the two S sounds are difficult for my tongue to form. But it’s the Name I’ve cried out in the deepest valleys and the hardest moments. I’m so grateful that He hears and UNDERSTANDS my speech!

“The only thing that matters now is everything YOU think of me. In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity. Taking all I have and now I’m laying it at Your feet. You’ll have every failure, God, You’ll have every victory.” Lauren Daigle

This morning when I woke up, I remembered what day it was…and how my life changed on this date a year ago. As I was downloading my daughter’s wedding pictures to my laptop computer on August 15, 2017, I got a call at 11:36 from the doctor who had just taken a biopsy of the “growth” under my tongue.  Learning about squamous cell carcinoma of the mouth suddenly became my greatest focus and I wondered how this was ultimately going to alter my mouth and quite possibly other parts of my body as well.

After having surgery on my tongue, my neck and my right hand, I was pronounced free of any other squamous cell carcinoma sites. Follow-up has become a routine part of our lives, and each scan has become an exercise in faith that the cancer is indeed gone.

There’s a passage in the Bible, the book of Joshua, that tells about the time when the children of Israel were getting ready to enter the Promised Land. The only thing standing between them and the land was the Jordan River–at flood stage. There were no bridges in those days, and the only way to the land was through the river, obviously a HUGE problem! God performed a miracle and split the river so that the people went through the river on dry land!! Joshua had instructed that one man from each of Israel’s tribes were to pick up a stone and carry it to the other side, in the new land, and build a monument to the God who made it possible for them to get there. This was to remind them FOREVER that God ALONE made it possible for them to be there.

As much as my altered speech can bother me at times, and the scar on my neck stands out to me with its accompanying numbness, they have become my “stones of remembrance”. They remind me that I had cancer but that, because it was found and there was a solution available to treat it, there isn’t any cancer now present in my body. As hard as it was to hear the words and go through the treatment necessary to be rid of it, I’ve had multiple opportunities to see God’s power at work. His provision of medical experts to diagnose and treat each site where cancer was discovered was the demonstration of His ability to heal me. While I am not so naive as to believe that there’s no chance of it ever returning, I am rejoicing today that, one year later, I AM CANCER FREE!!!

“O my soul, bless God, don’t forget a single blessing!” Psalm 103:2

When last I wrote, I was struggling with the concept of having a thankful heart, and was asking the Lord to GIVE me one. God does work in interesting and amazing ways, so He answered my prayers in a way I didn’t expect.

Monday morning dawned with a surprise. As I was bringing some laundry downstairs to add to the day’s wash, my feet flew out from under me and I smashed my foot against a wall. To my shock, I landed in a half-inch of water that covered the floor of the kitchen, bathroom and laundry room! As I struggled to stand up on a very slippery tile floor, the washing machine hit the spin cycle and water came pouring out of the TOILET TANK!! Thinking to myself, “This should not be!” I ran (or moved as carefully as I could so as not to injure myself further!) to get as many towels as I could find to start mopping up the mess. Fortunately my husband was home and we spent the next hour cleaning up and calling the plumbers, who were able to figure out the problem and get us back in business. By mid-afternoon my foot was still hurting so we had it x-rayed just to be safe. As we prayed that evening before we ate dinner, my husband expressed both of our hearts as we thanked the Lord that the problem was fixed without requiring major construction under our house, and even more importantly, that I didn’t break my foot or injure my hip or head when I met the tile floor VERY HARD that morning!

Today I made a quick trip to the grocery store less than a mile from our house, and on my way home I had the wonderful experience of having my car suddenly leaning to the driver’s right front as I was turning onto the street that enters our neighborhood. Once again I thought, “This should not be!”, and realized that I needed to get off the busy street and out of the way as safely as I could. I called my husband, who was at the airport (of course!) ready to board a plane, as I walked to our house. When I got home I made some phone calls and arranged to have my car towed to the tire dealer where the tires had been purchased 18 months ago–I didn’t put 60,000 miles on them yet! Our daughter and son-in-law are currently on vacation and they flew out of San Antonio, so we have both of their cars in our driveway. Perfect. I will be able to drive my daughter’s car until mine is ready; the only thing I had to do was move my son-in-law’s car out from behind hers and I would be set. When I got behind the wheel, I was shocked to see that the car was a 5-SPEED! I’ve never driven one!! I tried to start maneuvering my daughter’s car around the other, but soon gave that up. A neighbor was walking her dogs and she asked me if I needed help–that was an understatement!! I told her my problem and she volunteered to help if I could hold her dogs. I did, she did, and I profusely thanked her for her help! I went to meet the tow truck, they took my car and hopefully it will be ready by the time my husband returns. Numerous opportunities to be thankful: I wasn’t stranded or stopped on a busy street, my insurance covered the towing, there was another car available to me to use, and God provided a neighbor to do something I could not do.

Perhaps the most profound opportunity for thankfulness came last night as our church praise team rehearsed for Sunday morning. We were singing a song that has a couple of lines of simple lyrics: la la la la… As we were doing this–repeatedly–I made the comment, “This isn’t easy to sing when you only have half a tongue!” I was laughing, my fellow singers were laughing, and I must say it felt good. I’m so grateful to even be SINGING when a year ago I had no idea if I would ever be able to speak clearly again. God has answered my prayers for a grateful heart in ways I didn’t expect, but in a profoundly more effective way than I would have thought.

I ran across a quote this week from Ravi Zacharias: “Gratitude comes from the same word as freedom (gratis=free). Gratitude is the freeing expression of a free heart toward One who freely gave.” My God freely gave to me, and I am blessed by His amazing gifts to me!

Over the course of this past year since my cancer diagnosis, I’ve had ups and downs, good days and challenging ones. As much as I know in my head that I should be very thankful to be at this place, there are days when I struggle to be grateful. At those times I generally take myself in hand and give myself a stern talking to. I tell myself that I haven’t had to endure nearly as much as others have with their cancer treatments, that my life has pretty much returned to normal and that I should just “get over it”, suck it up and move on.

I still get frustrated with my speech and the fact that, to me, it just doesn’t feel right. If I try to talk too fast (for me anyway) it feels like my tongue is tripping over the words and I wonder if people can understand me. I may never have feeling in my neck where the lymph nodes were surgically removed and which left me with a visible scar, which is definitely NOT normal. Chewing and swallowing normally can also become an exercise in frustration.

Truthfully, I wish I could go back to the time before I had cancer, and the treatment that was required to remove the offending parts had taken place. I’m 99.9% sure that this is the sentiment of anyone who has ever heard those dreaded words “You have cancer”! And I venture to say that every cancer patient probably has thrown themselves a pity party at the unfairness of having to deal with this at all! Quoting every Scripture I’ve ever read about thankfulness isn’t enough to change how I feel on the discouraging days. While it’s ok to feel this way at different points and be honest about the way I feel, it serves no purpose to “camp out” there.

As I was self-talking recently something occurred (?!) to me about the whole attitude thing. While I can convince my head that I’m blessed, my heart hasn’t quite caught up to that. So what should I do? Clearly, I can’t change my heart–but fortunately I do know the One who can! God already knows very well about the struggle I have and He is certainly able to give me what I need most right now–a thankful heart. Why didn’t I ask for this sooner?? The Bible says in James 4:2, that we don’t have because we don’t ask God! If God is able to cleanse my heart from sin, He can definitely change it into a thankful one!

“I will praise you, O Lord, among the nations; I will sing of You among the peoples. For great is Your love, reaching to the heavens; Your faithfulness reaching to the skies. Be exalted, O God, above the heavens; let Your glory be over all the earth.” Psalm 57:9-11

Yesterday was The Day, the anticipated appointment with the surgeon who did my tongue and neck cancer surgeries. We would receive the report on the CT scan I had last week, the one that would tell us whether or not there was any cause for concern about the cancer having spread. The ultrasound I had several months ago indicated there might be something there that needed closer observation and possible treatment. In truth, I have felt like I was holding my breath just waiting to find out if we would have to go through still more surgery.

When the doctor comes into the room with a slight chuckle, you know it CAN’T be very bad news! He was reading the CT report, and after reading the first part he said “You’ve had a lot of dental work, haven’t you?” I can’t deny it–I have fillings and crowns and 1 implant. Apparently the metal in my mouth interfered a little with the CT, but the doctor wasn’t too concerned about that. The scan on my neck was clear, with “no pathologically enlarged cervical lymphadenopathy identified”. All of that meant that there was no reason to believe that there was any active cancer there! EXHALE!!! I think my husband and I both walked around in a bit of a daze for awhile, still processing the fact that this cloud that had hung over us was, for this day, no longer a concern. It also gave us confirmation that we had not been mistaken in our declining the option of radiation treatment. From the beginning of this journey, we have believed that doing the least amount of surgery/treatment was best, understanding that it was possible that further treatment might eventually be necessary. Since the professionals were evenly split on the radiation option, we felt that NOT doing the treatment was not a bad thing.

We circled back with the doctor about the Crohn’s Disease part of my health picture, and the fact that the flaring of the disease meant revisiting the immunosuppressant option of treatment. Once again, he would not give us a recommendation either way, other than to restate that it would be my decision as to whether the risk of cancer recurring due to the immunosuppressant therapy would outweigh the benefit of such medication. When I told him I was now taking prednisone, he was okay with that, although it has its own host of issues and side effects. I will see him again in 2 months, with no scans scheduled for 6 months.

Once again I am dealing with “just” Crohn’s Disease. The piece of this puzzle that has changed for me is that an entire category of treatment options has been taken off the table for the foreseeable future, and maybe forever. I have to be extremely vigilant about my calcium intake since prednisone is hard on the bones, especially for women “well advanced in years” like myself! It is not a long-term option for me, but right now it seems the only “safe” option available. I have my good days, and days and nights when things aren’t going so well, even with medication.

Recently I came across a quote that I found rather remarkable. Dr. Michael Kappelman from the University of North Carolina who said: “IBD is a complex riddle, and we don’t have a single drug that will solve it. So, we’re looking at things like each patient’s diet, sleep, exercise, and stress to personalize, or individualize, patient care.” This is remarkable because I had a world-renowned expert at Mayo Clinic tell me this very thing 43 YEARS AGO!! There have been many breakthroughs in treating Crohn’s, but it is still a mystery without a single solution.

God has been so gracious and faithful through every step of both cancer and Crohn’s Disease, never forgetting the fact that I am frail and human. At the same time, He has also reminded me that it is not MY strength that I need to go through these challenges, it is HIS strength that will carry me through. He is good ALL the time, and all the time, HE IS GOOD!!

Today was the day I had been “anticipating” since my last appointment with the surgeon. Ever since I saw the report on my ultrasound which concluded with “could be related to metastatic disease” and “further evaluation with neck CT with IV contrast would be beneficial” I’ve known that this day was coming. While I couldn’t just hide or wait around for two months before having the CT, I did experience some anxiety when I got up this morning and knew today was the day. Adding to the “drama”  was the fact that they called me yesterday and informed me that the CT machine was not working and they would have to reschedule me for the afternoon because the repairs couldn’t be done until this morning. It reminded me of my PET scan experience–at least this time they hadn’t given me the IV contrast material yet!

When I got into my car, the Christian radio station I have my radio tuned to was playing, appropriately, one of the songs that meant so much to me last year as I faced the cancer surgeries. The words “Your promise still stands, great is Your faithfulness…I’m still in Your hands, this is my confidence: You’ve never failed me yet” came through loud and clear to my anxious heart. “My Hope is in You” came on next…I think the Lord was trying to remind me that He’s in charge here! The clincher came as I turned onto the street where the medical facility was located. Casting Crowns “Oh My Soul” came on next, and I finally had to pull over because I was sobbing so hard I couldn’t see to drive. That my Heavenly Father had arranged even the radio playlist to encourage and strengthen me as I went into this procedure was completely overwhelming to me. As I parked and walked into the facility, the peace and calm I felt could only be described as supernatural.

I filled out the obligatory paperwork (I seem to add more information now with every form I fill out!), and the technician called me back within a short time. Blessedly, she was able to insert the IV on the first stick, so I didn’t come home with black and blue marks on my arms! The whole test took about 20 minutes total, and I was on my way home. The very weird thing is that, for whatever reason, my radio station wasn’t coming in at all when I got back into my car. We’ve had some stormy weather here in South Texas,  and the only explanation I could think of was that the weather had somehow interfered with the signal. At any rate, the music I NEEDED to hear going into the test had come through. God really does care about the details of our lives!

I will not know the results of the test until I see my doctor next Wednesday, so I will need to do a lot of trusting for the next few days as I wait. As always, my wonderful husband will be with me every step of the way. I am beyond grateful that he is with me every step of this journey, advocating for me and being another set of eyes and ears as we go through each step of this journey. We are thankful for so many friends and family members who support and pray for us. We are also keenly aware that we are not alone in this “club”, the one no one ever wants to join, of family and friends who have also been diagnosed with cancer. As we go through each step, we are reminded to pray for and encourage others who are going through these experiences at the same time we are. We pray for successful treatment, for an end to cancer in their lives, but mostly we pray for them to know the love and peace that can only come through a relationship with Jesus Christ. No matter what the outcome of cancer treatment, knowing Jesus and being certain of eternity with Him brings peace that no diagnosis will EVER be able to destroy.

“There’s a place where fear has to face the God you know. One more day He will make a way; let Him show you how you can lay this down. ‘Cause you’re not alone. Oh my soul, you’re not alone!”

In these days as I undergo tests and treatment for both Crohn’s Disease and cancer, I’m glad for the distractions of life–out of town travel with my husband, visits with my children and grandchildren, plans that go beyond the next test or doctor’s appointment.

However, there are those reality moments, like when we’re still trying to find the right dose of medication that relieves the pain and discomfort of Crohn’s without a host of side effects. As I’m forced to stop because I can’t do anything else, I’m discouraged and wonder how something can stop me in my tracks the way this crummy disease does! I’m tempted to wonder why God allows this, why I still deal with this affliction.

As I was reading my Bible last week, something stood out to me in a new way. In John 17:4, Jesus says “I glorified You (the Father) on earth by completing down to the last detail what You assigned Me to do.” At the time of Jesus’ life, death and resurrection, He didn’t fix everything that was wrong on earth. He healed many people, performed miracles, blessed children and told mankind the truth about our sin and need for a Savior to take care of that sin. But there was still so much evil, sickness and death in the world. So how could Jesus say that He did exactly what His Father sent Him to do when the world was still a mess?

Perhaps it’s because what His FATHER sent Him to do was different that what everyone else expected Him to do. They wanted Jesus to fix this world, right all wrongs, heal everyone who was sick, and make sure that nothing bad ever happened again. But He didn’t come to fix this world–He came to make a way for us to enter HIS PERFECT HOME. This world is a mess because of our choice to go our own way instead of being obedient to God, yet He still loves us and wants us to know and love Him. Only by knowing Jesus will we ever get to enter that perfect world He has waiting for us. Romans 3:26 says it this way: “He (God) got us out of the mess we’re in and restored us to where He always wanted us to be. And He did it by means of Jesus Christ.” 

So on these days when I have to have barium for breakfast and may not be ready to take on the world for awhile, I can take comfort in the fact that THIS IS NOT ALL THERE IS!! Because Jesus did complete the work His Father sent Him to do, I have much to look forward to: an eternity without Crohn’s Disease, cancer, everything else that is imperfect. A perfect world is promised to us who trust the finished work of Jesus as our admission to heaven. I can only imagine how wonderful that will be! I’m SO glad this is not all there is!!!

The first week of June in 1974 held three significant life events for me. I turned 18, graduated from high school, and was finally diagnosed with Crohn’s Disease (after nearly a year of trying to get answers). Fast forward to the first week of June, 2018. Rather than turning 18, I am contemplating whether or not to apply for Social Security in my first year of eligibility, and high school is a fond but distant memory. However, that other significant event, the Crohn’s diagnosis, has reemerged and is once again front and center in my life. I saw my GI doctor this week and she confirmed what I have been experiencing as a Crohn’s flare. Since the immunosuppressant drugs I had been taking for 5 years to keep the Crohn’s in remission had to be discontinued due to my cancer diagnosis last summer, we knew that there was a good chance the Crohn’s would recur. The only risk factor I possessed for this particular cancer, squamous cell carcinoma of the tongue, was a suppressed immune system that allowed this cancer to develop. Life just got a little more complicated, trying to treat two major health issues without aggravating one another.

As tempting as it is to just close myself in the house and give up, that isn’t any sort of answer! I’m so thankful for the days (or sometimes hours!) I feel well enough to participate in normal life activities. We are trusting that the short-term infusion of steroids might ease the Crohn’s inflammation enough for me to live with it and not have to go through long days and nights of out-of-control pain. Along with it, of course, the cancer follow-up is critical so those scans and doctor visits will continue regularly.

God’s design for creation NEVER included sickness and suffering. Man’s choice of disobedience rather than following God’s plan brought imperfection into God’s perfect world. But because of His love for His creation and in particular, the humans He created, He wanted us to have a way out of this imperfection. That way was Jesus, and the perfect life we get is not here on earth but in eternity through our relationship with Him. Could God have prevented my having another Crohn’s Disease outbreak? Of course He could. I don’t know why He didn’t, but I do trust Him. My life, here on earth and in the world to come, is in His hands. I don’t believe I’m just flailing along at life without a purpose, wondering whether He really cares when I’m going through tough days. I have been immeasurably blessed to walk with Jesus as my Savior for over 50 years now, and I hope I’ve learned a thing or two about His ways and His character during that time.

This morning my Bible reading took me to John 16, where Jesus was spending his last earthly hours with His disciples. Of course, they couldn’t really grasp at the time all of what He was saying, but after His crucifixion and resurrection they would remember and it would make sense to them. John 16:33 says: “I’ve told you all of this so that trusting Me, you will be unshakable and assured, deeply at peace. In this godless world you will continue to experience difficulties. But take heart! I’ve conquered the world.”