Changed Forever-But Forever Grateful
Two years ago today I underwent the first of two operations, the first to remove a cancerous tumor under my tongue and the second to remove 42 lymph nodes on the side of my neck, one of which turned out to be cancerous. I had no idea at the time how my speech would sound, whether I would be able to speak much at all, and certainly no idea whether I would ever be able to sing again. I remember being in tremendous pain, unable to eat and barely able to swallow. I was thankful that the cancer had been removed, but speaking was no simple task. I struggled mightily with how I would communicate, whether I would ever sound “normal” again. I certainly didn’t sound normal to myself and my tongue got in the way more than it helped me to be able to speak. I shed more than a few tears of frustration at my inability to articulate what I was trying to say. At my first speech therapy appointment my voice was recorded, and I was absolutely horrified at the sound of my voice. It made me want to cry, scream, and carry a whiteboard and marker with me for the rest of my life rather than try to get my mouth to cooperate in speaking ever again.
With the passage of time, my tongue healed and I was able to use it better. The letter “s” was, and continues to be, my nemesis. I am reminded every day, very often, that I no longer have “original equipment” in my mouth! Nerves were severed in my neck and numbness remains-I’ve accepted the fact that that’s not going to change. I get frustrated when I speak too fast and my tongue trips me up, and especially when people on the phone can’t understand me it brings out all my insecurities about my speech.
Probably the best gift I got was that of being able to sing again as part of our church worship team after about 6 months of healing. I knew singing on mic would really expose the imperfections in my speech, and I’m so grateful that the rest of the team were willing to take me as I was, messed up mouth and all!
I learned a lot about being thankful during those months of being “set aside”. I was reminded often of the faithfulness of God to never leave me, to love me unconditionally, to be there in the middle of the night when fear and sadness threatened to overwhelm me. I learned-again-to be thankful for the scars I now have, permanent reminders of God’s mercy in allowing the cancer to be found and removed. I’m thankful with each doctor’s appointment and CT scan that I continue to be cancer-free without any further treatment. I am abundantly aware that I am truly blessed to be alive and healthy. Even Crohn’s Disease, my constant companion since 1974, has remained in remission without any medication!
There’s a song I’ve learned recently that talks about being thankful for our scars, because they remind us of God’s faithfulness. I have only to open my mouth to be reminded of how faithful God has been to me. Ironically one word that was very difficult for me to say for a long time was “Jesus”, the name I needed to cry out more than once in the dark nights that followed surgery! The combination of the consonant sounds was very hard to articulate, but I’m glad Jesus understood even my garbled use of His name!
So today, September 14, 2019, I can truly say that, even though my life was changed forever 2 years ago, I am FOREVER GRATEFUL for the goodness and faithfulness of God!
Faith Through the Journey 