One Christian's Perspective on Trials and Other Aspects of American Life

Archive for September, 2018

A Strange Gift for a Long Journey

Yesterday my daily Bible reading took to me to what has become my life passage of Scripture, II Corinthians 12:7-10. As I read these words again, I couldn’t help but think of all the times these words of Paul have expressed my feelings about the strange “gift” of physical illness or weakness. “Because of the extravagance of those revelations, and so I wouldn’t get a big head, I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations. Satan’s angel did his best to get me down; what he in fact did was to push me to my knees. No danger then of walking around high and mighty! At first, I didn’t think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then He told me: ‘My grace is enough; it’s all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness.’ Once I heard that, I was glad to let it happen. I quit focusing on the handicap and began appreciating the gift. It was a case of Christ’s strength moving in on my weakness.” 

I will be the first to admit that I’m nowhere near Paul as a spiritual equal! However, I was very privileged to have grown up in a Christian home, attend a Christian college, study the Bible in-depth and be encouraged by other believers in all the places we have ever lived. Being diagnosed with a chronic autoimmune disease at the age of 18 was and has been a challenge for many years, and were it not for all of the foundational Bible teaching I’ve experienced I know I would have just given in to self-pity and given up on much of life. That being said, there have definitely been dark times when I felt sorry myself, wondering what I had done to deserve this crummy disease. During one period where pain was my constant companion and I watched the clock to see if it was time for me to take more meds to take the edge off of the pain, I remember crying out to God, “Make me better, or take me home! I CAN’T DO THIS ANY MORE!” Since I’m still here, He didn’t take me home! He did provide a way out of this pain in the form of a sixth major surgery for Crohn’s Disease.

Last year when cancer entered my life, possibly even in connection to the treatment for Crohn’s Disease, once again I had the opportunity to understand that God’s grace is enough to see me through yet more moments when I wanted to quit and withdraw from life. I don’t have to look very far, just at the broken places in my body, to recognize that my physical weaknesses are many and that I HAVE to have Christ’s strength to keep going. When I accept His strength, I can then focus not on the “handicap” but see that the “gift” of knowing that I can’t get through the days without Him. Facing more new physical challenges and a new doctor to help us navigate the possibilities of yet more treatments will be yet another opportunity to appreciate the gift of grace!

I heard a song on the radio this morning that expressed the need we all have to hear the right words at the right moment. “I am just like everyone. Jesus, I need You, I need Your love to save my life. Tell me what I need to hear, tell me that I’m not forgotten. Show me there’s a God Who can be more than all I’ve ever wanted. ‘Cause right now I need a little hope; I need to know that I’m not alone. Maybe God is calling you tonight to tell me something that might save my life.” Sidewalk Prophets

“Thank You, Lord, for the opportunities to see Your all-sufficient grace as the answer to walking through every step of this life!”

 

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The Day My Life Changed Forever

As I’ve approached September 14, 2018, I’ve tried to be measured and not allow my emotions to run away entirely with the magnitude of the date. One year ago, September 14, 2017, I had surgery to remove a cancerous tumor under my tongue. I didn’t really understand at the time how much my life would actually be changed. Not until I woke up in a hospital room hours after the surgery and began to feel the horrific pain in my tongue and throat did I begin to comprehend the life-changing experience of what cancer can do. I must very quickly say that what I have gone through is NOTHING compared to what thousands, even millions, more people have had to endure because of this awful plague of our generation. Family members and close friends have experienced the wholesale destruction of their bodies from the medications that are supposed to be eradicating the CANCER cells from their bodies! And the heartbreaking consequences that happen when those medications don’t work, when there’s nothing else to try…

I’ve shared many times that my mouth, the way it functions and the way I pronounce words, feels very different. I joked with our worship team that I HATE consonants! Vowels do not require your tongue to function! I have a very new appreciation for speech therapists and the service they perform. Oddly enough, my first speech therapy sessions focused on eating and nutrition! They understood that my tongue’s primary function should be to process nutrition and allow my body to heal. My daughter accompanied me to the first appointment and she was very focused on how to help me consume what would help me heal and recover my speaking abilities.

I remember the night I was moved to a private hospital room, a night when the doctor thought I should be going home. My pain was out of control, still, and I stood at my hospital room window overlooking the LifeFlight helipad, in tears. I wondered if there was ever going to be relief from my pain…I do remember being awake almost endlessly because they were still delivering my pain meds every two hours by way of the IV that was probably blown beyond what should have been used. I have never again allowed that vein to be used for ANYTHING. We were so grateful when a pain specialist was called in and prescribed medications that would allow me to FINALLY get beyond the need for IV pain meds! My son was in town that night and ready to take me home, but the logistics of getting the meds and getting me home were not aligning. The next morning, we were in “go” mode, and I was able to go home. Parenthetically, let me say that our three children, living in Connecticut, Arkansas, and Houston, Texas, were converging on San Antonio to take care of Mom. My wonderful husband has been my rock, the one who held me up when I wanted to quit. He attended every appointment and walked with me through every scenario of treatment along this journey.

Certain words still make me feel that I sound like Daffy Duck or that I’m spitting all over my audience. It will always be that way, I’ve come to accept, and it continues to remind me of the hand of God upon my life. It brought me to a place where I knew this was my LIFE, not the “nuisance” that Crohn’s Disease has been. Granted, Crohn’s has been serious from time to time, but cancer has the power to take your life when it’s untreated or discovered too late. I was actually BLESSED to have symptoms that allowed us to seek treatment when it was still in its early stages. Quite ironically, one of the hardest words for me to say is JESUS! The J sound and the two S sounds are difficult for my tongue to form. But it’s the Name I’ve cried out in the deepest valleys and the hardest moments. I’m so grateful that He hears and UNDERSTANDS my speech!

“The only thing that matters now is everything YOU think of me. In You I find my worth, in You I find my identity. Taking all I have and now I’m laying it at Your feet. You’ll have every failure, God, You’ll have every victory.” Lauren Daigle

 

 

 

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