Faith Through the Journey

The Blessed Side Effect

When I had the second cancer surgery in November of 2017, it was to remove lymph nodes that MIGHT have been cancerous, based on the thickness of the original tumor. It turned out that there was indeed one cancerous node that needed to be removed. I had not, however, counted on the fact that the nerves to my left shoulder had been cut and that I would have to work hard to regain the normal use of my shoulder, a side effect for which I was not fully prepared.  I noticed this about a month after the surgery when I began having trouble using my left arm normally and I began to “lean to the left”. My family doctor gave me some exercises to do to regain the use of my partially frozen shoulder, so I started doing them in order to be able to use my left arm and shoulder in a normal fashion. Eventually these did work, and I was able to raise both of my arms above my head! This was actually ironic, because in 2006 I fell and broke my right elbow. The doctor who performed the four-hour surgery to put my elbow back together was not optimistic about the prognosis, saying that I would probably need an elbow replacement at some point. My right elbow is still held together by plates and screws (which don’t set off airport metal detectors!), and my right arm is just a few degrees shy of vertical. God really is good, and I think He enjoys surprising us at what He alone can do! It is not lost on me that I have held all 4 of my grandchildren in this “damaged” right arm, and even when I carry groceries I remember that my arm could have been hanging and useless many years ago.

During my recovery period I spent a lot of time listening to Christian music, being encouraged and having my own private worship time with the Lord. I hesitate to share these things because they are personal, and yet I can’t ignore the fact that God has met me in every place I’ve been in this journey. A number of years ago, when our church was first in existence, we sang a song by Dennis Jernigan that expresses beautifully what the raising of hands in worship means. “And with our hands lifted high we will worship and sing;  and with our hands lifted high we come before You rejoicing; with our hands lifted high to the sky, when the world wonders why,  we’ll just tell them we’re loving our King.” What parent doesn’t reach for their child when he or she stands with their arms uplifted, wanting to be picked up and hugged? That’s the way God our Father loves us, with His arms outstretched and ready to “pick us up” and that’s one way we can express our love to Him.

A few weeks ago, when I was able to return to singing with the church worship team, I was overwhelmed and full of gratitude. My mouth worked well enough that I was able to sing and be understood while I sang on mic! For whatever reason,  probably because I’m right handed, I’ve always held the microphone in my right hand. I’m always conscious of the cord on the mic, and I have a fear of face-planting on the platform on a Sunday morning after tripping over the cord! However, holding the microphone with my right hand has always meant my left hand  held the microphone cord and tried to keep it out of the way of my feet. But did God want me to use my left hand for a different purpose, other than not trying to injure myself by keeping the cord away from my feet? I can’t help but believe that God healed my left arm and shoulder, and allowed me to continue to sing as part of the worship team, so that I might reach upward to my Heavenly Father in love with my HEALED left arm! Out of those times when I was privately “loving my King”, I was merely preparing to return to being part of the worship team who not only sang but demonstrated their love for our Heavenly King. With gratitude and thanks to the God who has seen me through every second of this journey, I can now raise BOTH of my restored hands in praise to my loving Father. The brokenness–and the restoration–of my left arm is just one more demonstration of God’s grace. How can I NOT lift that hand in praise to Him? “And Lord, while I lift my hand in praise, could you please make sure that I don’t trip on the cord?!”

How Naive Can I Be?

Thirty years ago, I had surgery for Crohn’s Disease. “That’s over with!” I thought…Boy, was I wrong! It turns out that the surgery I had in 1988 was the first of SIX surgeries for Crohn’s that I’ve had to go through– so far anyway. I’m glad I didn’t know at that point what lay ahead over the years. Even though my most recent colonoscopy was clear (thankfully!), I’ve learned that it’s never over, that Crohn’s is indeed a lifelong disease, and that this is a marathon, not a short sprint. That being said, I also have no doubt that if God Himself intervened and I never again had to deal with Crohn’s, it would be so. I must therefore conclude that God isn’t done teaching me, or those around me, all that we need to learn using the tool of ongoing Crohn’s Disease in my life. Forty-four years after being diagnosed, I guess I’m finally accepting that fact!

Enter the new challenge of cancer. Squamous cell carcinoma was an unknown adversary until last August. Surgery seems to be my destiny with these lovely diseases, and once again this was the only treatment advised for this cruel invasion. I hated the thought of doing this again, and yet it was somewhat of a known experience. At least I knew that I would be able to get out of bed without nearly as much difficulty as when I’ve had abdominal surgery! Of course, the new wrinkles of the surgeries I had included difficulty in chewing, swallowing and talking, and the hazard of burning myself because the left side of my head was numb due to the nerves being cut. I also had to work hard to regain most of the range of motion of my left shoulder. An additional cancer site was found on my right hand, so it had to be removed as well. We were given the option of radiation treatment, but since the answer was not a clear cut yes or no, we prayed about it and felt that doing the least amount of treatment was the best course of action, or inaction!

After the surgeries were completed, I was declared cancer free, for the time being anyway. We began the process of observation, which has included and will include doctor’s appointments and visual inspection, ultrasounds, CT scans and PET scans. Our hope, of course, is that no cancer is ever found again; HOWEVER, our experience with Crohn’s Disease has taught us that declaring something “over” too soon will only bring disappointment. I don’t need to go into panic mode every time I have an appointment, but by the same token I must remember that this, too, is a marathon, a journey, not quickly concluded. Words like “could be related to metastatic disease” and “further evaluation with IV contrast would be beneficial” are not exactly what I wanted to hear, but if my doctor wasn’t very alarmed or wanting me to have another scan right away, then I didn’t need to jump to negative conclusions.

“When did I forget that You’ve always been the King of the World? I try to take life back right out of the hands of the King of the World? How could I make You so small when You’re the One who holds it all? When did I forget that You’ve always been the King of the World? You will ALWAYS be the King of the World!”   Natalie Grant

Yes, taking life one step, one day at a time sounds very simplistic, but as long I can rest in the fact that God is still on His throne and He is still the King of the World, I know that whatever the next step is, God already sees it and holds my future firmly in His hands.

Fear Not…

This morning I had my first post-surgical, cancer-free (we sincerely trust) ultrasound exam. As I waited in line to turn in my paperwork, the lady in line behind me said she’d been praying for the Lord to teach her patience. I laughed and said, “Don’t you know better than to ask for that?” She laughed as well, and said she was being given many opportunities. We were both helped in short order and then waited for our names to be called for our exams.

When my name was called, I went with the technician, who looked younger than my youngest child. I’m afraid it’s that way now…I’ve reached “that” age. She was very sweet and calm, and there was even a student shadowing her. This was just routine, and the doctor told me to be sure to have the technician scan my entire neck since the tumor under my tongue was thick enough to warrant dissection of the left side of my neck. The doctor found one cancerous lymph node in that procedure, so observation of both sides of my neck was warranted. She began the exam, and at that moment, I was hit with a flood of thoughts about the magnitude of this test. I didn’t want to freak out or scare the technician, but I was suddenly flooded with thoughts about the possibility that this test could reveal more cancerous lymph nodes or tumors that hadn’t been found yet. I also thought about the resolution of this particular type of scan. According to the medical professionals, ultrasounds are 70% accurate in detecting cancers, CT scans are 80% accurate, and PET scans are 90% accurate–in detecting cancers greater than 5mm in size. You see, I had 3 cancers removed. The largest one was the tumor under my tongue, 6mm thick, and the others were too small to be detected in the most “accurate” scans. The other two were a lymph node, 4mm in size, and one on my hand that was even smaller. They never showed up on a scan, but they were there and had to be removed. I couldn’t help but remember the surgical procedures that were in my very recent past, and I was overwhelmed with the thought that I might have to go through them AGAIN. As the exam concluded, the technician told me the doctor would have the results that afternoon. I will have my follow-up appointment with him in 2 weeks, and at that point he will tell us what may or may not be visible on the scan.

Fear is in the back of my mind, and rears its ugly head at moments I don’t expect it to. At different times in the past 8 months, I’ve been reminded of something that was spoken by the pastor who married our youngest daughter and her husband last June. He included, as part of their wedding ceremony, that there would be times during their marriage that fear might intrude. God already gave the remedy for that when He spoke in His Word, over 300 times, that we were to “fear not”. Why? Because God is with us, because He holds us, because He is our God, the Lord Almighty.

Later this afternoon, I heard one of my favorite new songs, “Fear is a Liar” by Zach Williams. I’ve heard it a number of times during the past months, but the word meant even more today: “Fear is a liar; he will take your breath, stop you in your steps. Fear is a liar; he will rob your rest, steal your happiness; fear…he is a liar.” This is not surprising, because Satan is a liar, and the father of lies (John 8:44). The source of fear and lies is not God. Therefore, if I am a child of God, I will choose faith and truth, the opposite of fear and lies. The final outcome rests with the One Who is the Way, the Truth, and the Life, Jesus Christ. There is no one more worthy of my trust!