Faith Through the Journey

Appearances

Americans are, in large part, obsessed with our physical appearance. I think our economy might collapse were it not for the enormous amount we spend on cosmetics, hair care products, designer clothing, plastic surgery, weight loss products, fragrance products, teeth whitening, anything we can think of to make our physical appearance pleasing to those who watch and judge us based on how we look. While we can admit that this behavior is somewhat shallow, there is still a part of us that wants to look and smell good to the people around us! Sadly, those we see who have some physical difference, something obvious that is different about them as compared to the majority of people we see, are somehow thought of as not quite measuring up to whatever absurd standard of normal we may have.

Since I was 17, I’ve had an inflammatory bowel disease. Sounds real attractive, doesn’t it? For me as a teenage girl, it was particularly distasteful, something I didn’t even want to spend time thinking about,  much less talk about it! I just wanted it to be over, to go away so that I didn’t have to deal with it. Blessedly, I was able to pretty much push it into the background of my life for almost 14 years. I had brief reminders that it was still hanging around, but it wasn’t in my face every day. My first surgery in 1988 was a game changer for me in terms of how it affected my daily life. Because I don’t have “original equipment” any more, my digestive system functions differently. Consequently, I always have to be mindful of where bathrooms are located wherever I am. There are days when I don’t spend the majority of my time in the bathroom, but then the next day could be quite the opposite. As you can imagine, Crohn’s Disease can be  “gross” and disgusting and, truthfully, make those who deal with it on a daily basis feel the same. Because of that, over the years I think I’ve tried to compensate for the way I felt internally by attempting to look “normal” outwardly.  If I looked okay externally, it made me feel less like I was a victim of this challenging condition. Looking drawn and haggard just makes me feel worse and makes people feel sorry for me, and I really don’t want that. If I look ok, I’m less likely to dwell on whether or not I feel particularly good on any given day.

So now, after two surgeries for cancer, my tongue has been cut, causing me to sound, at least at first, like Daffy Duck or an old man whistling through his false teeth. I also sport a six-inch, very visible, scar on the left side of my neck and up under my chin. I was thinking about wearing a burka for the foreseeable future, but that’s really not appropriate since I’m not a Muslim. Going out in public without a turtleneck or a scarf around my neck has made me feel very vulnerable to looks from strangers. I’m really hoping I won’t frighten my grandchildren when they see my scar! My sweet husband, bless him, continues to tell me it’s looking better all the time. Sometimes I believe him, sometimes I still want to hide. The last thing I want is for people to see me as an object of pity, this poor pathetic creature with the physical deformities.

It sounds rather vain, doesn’t it? When I focus on my outward appearance only, that’s where I can easily end up. However, God sees my heart and He values my inward appearance more. I Peter 3:3, 4 says “Your beauty should not come merely from outward adornment, but instead should be…the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit.” There’s a phrase we use often, “Beauty is only skin-deep”, and it is absolutely true. Some of the most beat-up-looking people we see have the most beautiful inward selves. Often, the physical injuries such people have suffered served only to make them more beautiful inside. None of us will be young and attractive forever, sad to admit, but the rest of the verses I quoted go on to say that “the incorruptible and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, which is not anxious or wrought up, is very precious in the sight of God.” As contrary as it is to our society in general, I would rather cultivate a spirit of grace and peace than concentrate on my outward appearance. I’ll never be rid of scars and physical deformities, but God is more concerned about the appearance of my heart.

Walking It Out

The day after my cancer diagnosis, we met with the doctor who explained our options to us. I remember almost laughing about the irony of it all. “Really, God? Wasn’t Crohn’s Disease enough for us to deal with? Did You have to allow cancer to affect our lives too?” For 43 years, Crohn’s has overshadowed my life, rearing its ugly head at some of the most inopportune times. My husband and I had our 36th wedding anniversary this week, and it’s certainly been in the background of our lives every day of that time. The nearly-constant presence of this disease really began in 1987, and from then on, my husband and children have been affected by my illness as well.

I heard a Christian radio program over 20 years ago, when Chuck Swindoll, a radio pastor, was teaching on the passage in Joshua where God was preparing to deliver the city of Jericho into the hands of the Israelites. God told Joshua specifically, “I have given Jericho into your hands.” Joshua looked at the walls of the city, still standing as strong as ever, and was puzzled at God’s statement. It certainly didn’t look like anything was different; if God had indeed given the city into his hands, Joshua thought, wouldn’t that have changed? The people in the city were still inside the walls, secure as ever, with no thought of anything in their world changing. However, in God’s economy, the city was indeed Joshua’s to possess. The fact that the city walls were still standing was insignificant as far as He was concerned! The outcome had already been decided by the God who controls the past, present and future. What God had in mind was that Joshua would lead the nation of Israel as they walked out their obedience in the way He required in order for the city of Jericho to indeed be given into their hands. Sure enough, as they walked around the city of Jericho for 7 days as God had directed, the city walls fell and the Israelites took possession of the city.

Shortly before I heard this, during a church service, I believe that God had impressed upon me that, in His economy, I was whole and healed of Crohn’s Disease. I didn’t need to pray for healing any more, for He saw me as healed. Since I was still dealing with it on a regular basis, I was skeptical and wondered if I had imagined the whole thing. The day I heard this radio program, it was like a light dawned for me. Whether or not the healing would come this side of heaven, I had no assurance. However, the only thing God required of me was to walk out my obedience to Him, trusting Him for the grace and strength for each day.

The week after I was diagnosed with cancer, God again spoke to me through music. I couldn’t believe the words to the song we would sing in worship on a Sunday morning: “Walking around those walls, I thought by now they’d fall. But You have never failed me yet. Waiting for change to come, knowing the battle’s won, for You have never failed me yet…I’ve seen You move, You move the mountains, and I believe You’ll do it again. You  made a way where there was no way, and I believe I’ll see you do it again.” One more time, God was requiring me to walk out this journey in obedience to His ultimate plan. The thing He was NOT asking of me was to muster up the strength within myself to do this in either instance. The strength to obey Him would be supplied by Him. 

The ultimate end of this journey remains to be seen. We have not received any assurance that the cancer is over, that it’s gone, never to return. God has only directed us to live one day at a time, by faith.  He holds the future, and when He is ready, THE WALLS WILL FALL!

Feeling vs. Knowing

Three months ago today our world stopped for a period of time with a doctor’s phone call. Squamous cell carcinoma was a term unknown to us at that time, although we did know what carcinoma meant…cancer. We had to learn a lot in a short period of time, and it’s probably a good thing that we were being directed step by step–that was all we could handle. Facing surgery in theory is one thing, but when it comes to actually dealing with it, it’s another matter entirely. I had been through intestinal surgery for Crohn’s Disease six times, so I knew what that was and thought surgery on my mouth, specifically my tongue, might have been a little less invasive … WRONG!!!

The doctor’s report was good; the cancerous tumor was gone, he was able to get clear margins of tissue around it so that meant it had not spread anywhere else on my tongue. A week after my surgery, the pathology report indicated that, because of the thickness of the tumor, the neck dissection surgery was going to be necessary a number of weeks later…not the news I wanted. But we had to go with what we knew, at least what the experts were telling us.

Throughout this experience, I was really trying to approach this as an opportunity for God to show up, to do what He wanted through whatever means He chose, and focus on what I knew rather than what I felt. As a rule, I’m not ruled by my emotions. I just look at whatever the facts of a situation are and respond accordingly, hopefully in a measured manner. What I know about my situation is that I have been through a partial glossectomy and a radical neck dissection as treatment for squamous cell carcinoma. The reality of what has actually happened to me physically is that my tongue was cut in order to remove a tumor, affecting my speech and eating. My neck was also carved up and I have a rather ugly looking scar at the moment. I bite my tongue at least once at every meal because it is still partially numb. The left side of my neck and ear are numb, and I’m having to work to regain the range of motion in my left shoulder and my neck gets stiff if I don’t keep moving it. Because my ear has been numb, I got a rather nasty burn with a curling iron because I couldn’t feel it. Those are the things I know about my present situation.

And how do I feel about all of this? Depending on the moment, I can move through the days doing what I need and want to do without too much difficulty. However, if I have to speak to someone and concentrate on every sound I make, I become very frustrated and upset that my mouth won’t do what I want it to. If I look in a mirror, the stark reality of my scar is staring back at me and I want to hide. I have trouble even doing my hair because my left arm and shoulder no longer function the way they did before the dissection, and picking up a gallon of milk is next to impossible if I do it with just my left hand. In short, I want to go back to the way I used to be, before a cancer diagnosis brought changes I never saw coming. It’s astounding how much life can change in the span of three months.

So what do I do with this mix of knowing and feeling, and where is God in the middle of all of this? The incredible, amazing, awesome truth is that God has been here all along, before the diagnosis, during the surgeries, through the therapy, sustaining me, healing the broken places in my body, giving me an incredible support system of friends and family, and most of all, during those dark times of the soul, He’s held me and reminded me how much He loves me. This did not come as a surprise to Him, and for reasons I don’t understand, He allowed this to happen and has a purpose in all of it, again not something I understand. Music has again been a source of incredible comfort, those words that speak to the truth of who God is, and that I am not the only hurting person who needs the comfort of a loving Father. These words from a song entitled “Do It Again” are so powerful: “I know the night won’t last, Your word will come to pass, my heart will sing Your praise again. Jesus You’re still enough, keep me within Your love. My heart will sing Your praise again. Your promise still stands, great is Your faithfulness. I’m still in Your hands, this is my confidence: You’ve never failed me yet. And I never will forget.”