Faith Through the Journey

During the weeks before my cancer diagnosis and surgery, there were a number of circumstances in my life that seemed to press in on me that caused a deep sadness. One night the magnitude of everything that 43 years of Crohn’s Disease has cost me and my family crashed in on me and I cried ugly tears like I haven’t in a very long time. It seemed so unfair that EVERY part of my life and my family’s life was somehow altered by the fact that we had to deal with how I was feeling on any particular day. Added to that were changes that had happened to people I love, changes that made their lives forever different. Dreams were over, things that were once wonderful would never be again, all of it seemed so unfair. It was the end of significant experiences, not the death of a person but the death of parts of my life and the lives of people I love that were forever changed.

Then the cancer diagnosis, adding yet another layer of sadness and distress over unknown circumstances. Another part of my life that would be forever different, not knowing how bad it would be. The first days after surgery were so painful physically, and speech was nearly nonexistent. When I first heard my own voice and how hard it was to form the sounds I’ve used all my life, I was absolutely horrified. It was overwhelming to deal with yet another important thing in my life that would never be the same.

I’m usually a more stoic kind of person, not letting circumstances or events pull me down. I just deal with things and move on as best I can, telling myself to buck up and go on. This time, I couldn’t do that. I knew how to deal with Crohn’s Disease after years of practice, but having something as important as talking being taken away, I just couldn’t take myself in hand and “get over it”. On the heels of everything else I had dealt with in the weeks earlier, it was truly a season of mourning–mourning the loss of significant parts of my life, sadness over parts of life that would never be the same again.

So what was I to do with all of this? Stuff it down and go on as usual, like it didn’t affect me? It wasn’t going to work this time. Where was I to go with all of this? It seemed that the God Who had allowed all of this must certainly have something to say about what we’re supposed to do when it seems that everything is crashing down around us.

In Matthew 5:4, Jesus said, “Blessed are they that mourn, for they shall be comforted.” I didn’t feel very blessed to be in this place, that was for sure! But I knew that I needed to go ahead and mourn my losses, for only then would God meet me in that place of deep sadness. He’s either the God of all comfort or He’s not! He knew all about every part of my life and how I felt, so acknowledging it before Him opened me to His divine comfort. Revelation 21:4 says that God will wipe away all tears from our eyes, that He Himself cares about our sorrows and wants to hold us in His arms when we hurt.

Getting to this point was important for my ongoing recovery process, for if I never acknowledged my sorrow, I could not receive God’s comfort and let Him begin to heal those places of deep hurt. It’s still happening, and I have a feeling that it will continue throughout this unpredictable journey.