Faith Through the Journey

If you’ve ever taken a road trip with children, or even a cranky adult or two, you have no doubt heard that phrase from somewhere in the car. The past couple of days I’ve been thinking about that phrase in a different context.

It’s been 6 weeks and 2 days since I had surgery, 5 weeks since I came home from the hospital. Conventional wisdom says that the 6-week mark is one by which healing has taken place and all normal activities can be resumed. Thus, I should be at the point of being completely healed from surgery and ready to go full steam ahead, right? I’m thinking that there needs to be asterisks and disclaimers attached to that statement! I’m working on it, but still having stops and starts in my days, sometimes feeling fine and later in the day needing to stop and rest because of the pain still present in my surgical areas. Trying to focus on what is better as opposed to what is still problematic is helping me remember that yes, the surgery was necessary and worth all of the effort that has been put into it. I hate to let people down, so I guess that comes into play as well. If I’m not completely well, people may be disappointed and I don’t want that to happen.

The other piece of the picture is that I still have active Crohn’s Disease present in my digestive system, so even with all the strictures and obstructions opened, there is that factor still at work as well. After 38 years of having this illness, I should be used to it by now! I was brought up short by my surgeon before I had the operation when he told me that he had a 78-year-old patient who had also had Crohn’s Disease since he was 18. Therefore, I am not alone in this long-term treatment road. Once I have (again!) begun new medications and given them time to work, it’s our hope that the Crohn’s will be contained and that I might even enter into a season of remission. If this latest surgery and medication regimen do what the doctors hope they will, I could enjoy some good years ahead. After talking to the doctors at Mayo Clinic, I have learned that my expectations need to be adjusted. If we achieve remission through surgery and medication, it may not be permanent. I guess I never wanted to believe that, still hoping that maybe this time it wouldn’t come back. The future remains to be seen…

It’s a good thing that God doesn’t give us the whole picture of our lives all at once. Jesus knew what He was talking about when He told us to live one day at a time, that each day had enough trouble of its own. According to the best medical knowledge available, Crohn’s is a lifelong disease. Many well-intentioned friends and family keep telling me to trust the Lord that I’m healed and it will never come back. I appreciate their hearts, wanting so much for me to be done with this illness and never having to deal with it again. However, that actually puts pressure on me to be “healed”, and I never want to tell people that I’m not doing well because it will somehow diminish their faith. I’m a “project”, something to be prayed for and be checked off the list as “completed”. I want to have people pray, but I can’t keep disappointing them by not staying well. The ONE thing I know is that whatever God allows into my life He will equip me to handle. THAT’S what people can pray for–the sustaining grace to deal with whatever does happen now and in the future.

So are we there yet? Will we ever be “there”? Maybe soon or maybe not. Once again, it remains to be seen whether or not that’s even the right question! How am I doing? Better than I was, still recovering and learning how much I can do before my body lets me know it’s time to stop. That’s how I am right now, close to the end of my day and just about ready to stop. ” Thank you, Lord, for the things I did today. Help me not to expect too much of myself, more than You intend for me to do.”