Faith Through the Journey

Resting in Hope

As I’m waiting for more of my strength to return, I remembered this phrase from a Scripture verse;  that led me to try to find it so I could make sense of the whole verse! The verse is Psalm 16:9: “Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth; my flesh also shall rest in hope” (KJV). I don’t read King James very often, but since that phrase was stuck in my head that’s the version I used. I like the last part of that verse, but the first part? Is my heart glad? As I rest physically, am I doing so with the belief that this is temporary and look forward to being better? My biggest problem is that I don’t know how to do things in moderation! I feel that either I have to do everything or nothing, and that’s why I’m having trouble adjusting! Last week my goal was to get rid of an NG tube so I could eat, then be ready to go home, and then “start getting my strength back”. What does that mean anyway?? It’s pretty nebulous and for a black-and-white, goal-oriented person, it’s hard to know whether I’m hitting the mark–I can’t even figure out my exact target! And the most frustrating part of measuring my activity is that I only know when I’ve done too much!

Okay, time to reset. I have to adjust my expectations of myself. No one else is requiring me to do much, so I shouldn’t expect myself to run races or run 25 errands a day. I’m not even supposed to drive yet (and I haven’t!), so the errands are out! My body isn’t letting me down–it’s just trying to heal, and I need to go with that. I looked up that verse in some other Bible translations and the phrase “rest in hope” was interpreted as “my body also will rest secure” and “my flesh also will dwell securely”. Resting and dwelling describe a state of stopping rather than just passing through, so for now I need to stay in this place for awhile.  I’m not in control here (boy, that part still trips me up!), and my job is to continue to rest in this place and learn to listen more closely when I hear the Lord’s voice. The other verse that keeps coming to mind is Hebrews 11:1: “Now  faith is the substance of things hoped for, the evidence of things not yet seen…” I haven’t seen full restoration yet, so I need to have my faith stretched as I hope for it to happen. I know there are so many people who have far more difficult situations than mine, and I would do well to remember that.  Ingrown eyeballs are not attractive in the least!!

“Lord, help me to remember to keep my eyes on Jesus, and trust Him to raise me up physically in His time.”

Recovery: Day 11

Anyone who says recovery is easy never went through it! I’m finding once again that I’m not a very patient patient, and I guess the “blessing” of my body screaming at me to stop will be one of the instruments that God uses to help me get through this process. I’m also figuring out that my 55-year-old body doesn’t recuperate the same way it did when I had the first of these surgeries 24 years ago. As difficult as it is, I’m trying to make myself do no more than is absolutely necessary. Being the kind that is, as my husband says, one who “builds Rome in a day”, I’m not making to-do lists, making myself accomplish 20 different things during the course of a day. Instead, I’m trying to listen to my body, and when the pain starts, I stop. It’s NOT a weakness to set aside my expectations of myself and do what most needs to be done–recover successfully so I don’t create setbacks that will delay the healing process.

One of the most unexpected blessings of this surgery has been the time I’ve been able to spend with each of my adult children. My gratitude that each of them has chosen to be with me during this process is immeasurable. They are incredible people, each of them, people I not only love but like and would proudly call my friends. The fact that they each made time out of their own busy lives to spend time with me is an incredible gift. My daughter-in-law and son-in-law have graciously “loaned” them to me and I greatly appreciate their sacrifice as well. My youngest daughter, who is finishing her college classwork, has juggled her work around this surgery, and that too is a huge sacrifice.  One of the incidental joys as a mother is to watch them interact as adults, sharing memories of their childhoods and how they view them now. Those memories to me are priceless, because they give me a glimpse of family moments that I thought were disastrous and I now understand that the kids viewed them very differently. They laugh hysterically over the times and episodes I thought belonged on the cutting room of the “perfect family video”. I’m so glad it didn’t scar them for life! The fact that they want to be here is so gratifying and a blessing I will not forget. Surgery isn’t necessarily an instrument I would choose to bring them together like that, but I see that God can use whatever He chooses to bring joy to the lives of His children.

So the process continues… and I can’t help but wonder what the days ahead will bring. I know that God will be with us through all of it and I will try not to run ahead of Him and miss what He wants me to learn, or set myself back physically. One day, one hour at a time…

The End Is In Sight

It’s hard to believe that it’s been a week since the surgery. My hospital room and floor have become the center of my universe, and to say that I am ready to be back in my own home would be a very accurate statement. Both yesterday and today have been milestone marking days . Last night I was allowed the “privilege” of having popsicles, and also had half of of the staples removed from my surgical incision. Then, today was the most monumental breakthrough of this surgery: my NG tube was removed!! After struggling with this lovely instrument of torture for a week, I was set free today. I think this was the longest number of days I’ve had to have the tube in place. Aside from the surgical incision, I knew from past experience that this would be the most uncomfortable part of the recovery.

The challenge of the tube was  physical, mental, emotional and spiritual. I know that sounds very odd, but they all play a part in dealing with this. The physical, of course, is pretty straightforward: there is a foreign object inside your nose and throat, and it is initially irritating and becomes more painful with each day. Mentally, dealing with the “let’s get it done” attitude blends together with the emotions that scream “I don’t like this! I want it out NOW!”  With each day that passes, you feel more and more frustrated at the seeming endless nature of this piece of the recovery process.

And then there is the spiritual piece of the puzzle. Having been down this road 5 times before, I knew beyond a shadow of doubt that I couldn’t–and wouldn’t–handle this alone. I knew that there was yet another lesson my Heavenly Father wanted me to learn. Looking back at the past week, I can see a number of times when I grew and was strengthened in my faith, but also times when I failed to keep my eyes on Jesus and gave in to frustration. I am so thankful for a loving Father who still loves me in spite of my fear and is willing to patiently teach me (again!) the lesson of waiting on His perfect timing. The times I made the deliberate choice to submit my will to His, I felt and knew that He was strengthening me to endure one more hour, one more minute, to stay in this place. Once again, I think of a song, sung many years ago by Sharalee Lucas: “Jesus, my Jesus, if I suffer pain, help me that I don’t complain, But thank you Lord, and praise You just the same.”

We’re almost through with this part of our journey. Jesus is leading us one day at a time, and we know that that is truly the ONLY way to live. He will give us His light for the next step at the point we need it. When this part of our assignment is finished, we are confident that there will be light, strength and everything else we will need for the next “adventure”!

Getting Through This: The Next Step

I’ve spent today doing all of the inglorious things I feel the need to do before I leave the house for about a week. Why I feel the need to clean my refrigerator before going into the hospital is beyond me, but maybe no one will find any expired salad dressing bottles in there! I’ve fixed enough meals to last my husband for a month, and he has to travel some, too. I’m very glad my daughters will be around to keep us company–and of course Riley will be SO glad to see her “sisters” too! (She gets away with murder when they come home!) I gave the dog a bath, too–this time without a trip to the vet for a bleeding paw! The house is clean, the dog is clean, the fridge is clean, the beds are clean… guess everything is ready here at home. Now the most inglorious thing of all: the colon prep. I escaped having to go through that lovely torture at Mayo Clinic, but I’m not going to get out of it this time. Oh well, if it helps the doctor see everything he needs to see when he operates on me tomorrow, I know it will have been worth it. One step at a time… Believe it or not, I actually do pray thr0ugh the preparation process. I take God at His Word when He says to pray about everything, and this is a biggie–how else does one get through drinking a gallon of antifreeze??? I’ve never tried the “real” antifreeze, but I still remember the first time I had to do this, and the container resembled the Prestone containers I had seen my dad put into our cars. Perhaps Andy Granatelli could have used this vile preparation to see if it did his cars any good!

Life is full of necessary, inglorious moments, and how we deal with those reveals much about who we are. Tomorrow afternoon I will wake up with staples holding my 6-inch incision closed and a NG tube down my nose and throat for the sixth time. I will have a choice as to whether I feel sorry for myself or trust my Heavenly Father to get me through this–again. Being angry, or knowing that Jesus is walking with me through this, one more time, are my only options.  Once more, there is no contest. Walking through this without Him would be a very lonely road indeed. I’m very grateful that He will be with me through this entire time, even those inglorious moments when I have to walk through the halls of the hospital pushing my IV pole.

Thanks to all of you who walk this journey with us. Each of you play an important role in our lives, either holding us before our Heavenly Father in prayer, speaking caring words to us, or showing us your love in some other wonderful way. We are extremely grateful for each of you!

All Systems Go!

Ever since we received the confirmation that surgery is the only option for us at this point, with the damage being “mechanical” rather than strictly disease that might respond to medication, I’ve been impatient to get on with it. So next Tuesday afternoon, we will check in at the hospital and I will probably come home about a week later. In that week, my surgeon will look at my digestive system from one end to the other, fixing whatever he sees that needs fixing, and put me back together and keep me there until I’m ready to eat again.  When we met with him this week, it was like seeing an old friend–not necessarily chronologically!–but so comforting to know that he’s done all 5 of my previous surgeries and is very comfortable doing number 6. An even temperament is a GREAT quality for a surgeon to possess!

Yesterday was a high-stress day, trying to fit the surgery into the hospital’s, and doctor’s, schedules. My faith (and patience!) were being severely tested, as I was running into roadblocks with the scheduling personnel. Once the doctor gave us the go-ahead and told us he could do it next week, that became our focus and we started zeroing in on the dates. As I was wrestling with adjusting my expectations, I remembered I needed to do what I should have done in the first place: ask the Lord of the universe to intervene on my behalf and get me through the paperwork pipeline. A short time later, the young lady I had pleaded with to PLEASE do what she could do fit me in,  called to let me know that she had indeed gotten me onto the hospital’s schedule on the very day we most wanted to go ahead with the surgery.

 After I got off of the phone, after thanking Emily profusely for her efforts, I then thanked the One who REALLY got me through the logjam. How like God to do such good things for His children, supplying our needs and yes, often also giving us our “wants” as well. I then spent some time also praying for my husband and children, giving them again into God’s very capable hands. It’s probably the “mother’s curse”, and rather arrogant of me, to believe that no one but me can really take care of them. Never mind that they’re all adults, living on their own and handling life very capably without my help or interference! With the conversations in the media yesterday about the value of the work stay-at-home moms do, I’m very thankful that I had the opportunity to raise my children 24/7 as one of those “women who’ve never worked a day in their lives”!! But I digress… I have to trust that I did my job, raised competent, capable children, and they’ve been great through every surgery. They’ve learned a lot about trusting God for MY safety as well! I don’t ever want to stand in the way of their learning the lessons of faith that will serve them all of their lives, and hopefully pass them onto my future grandchildren!

My sister-in-law and the women she prays with regularly have claimed some verses for us as we walk this path, Ephesians 3:20, 21: “Now unto Him who is able to do immeasurably more than all that we ask or imagine, according to His power that is at work within us, to Him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen.” We are claiming it anew, knowing that our God is strong and mighty, fully capable of doing things we could never understand. If you pray, we would covet those prayers for our family in the next few weeks as we navigate this path again. Please pray for our doctors as well, that they would have skilled hands and eyes as they do the work for which they’ve trained and performed so capably for many years. Mighty is our God!

Ready, Already!

Ugh–another of those days! Boy, am I tired of them! I know this HAS to get better! Tomorrow will be the next-to-last step, we hope. When we meet with the surgeon, we will have a surgery date, which will bring us within sight of our goal, my getting better. While I do not look forward to the surgery, I know it will bring me relief from the debilitating pain I have fought for so many months. If there is no other way for me to be well, then let’s get it done and get through it.

I am counting on my Lord to get me through this. There is no way I could think of going through this without Him by my side. I know my husband will be there when I go to sleep and when I wake up, but I am confident that Jesus will be with me (and most importantly with my doctor!) when I am under the anesthesia. Of course, I don’t want to wake up in the middle of things! But even in that state, I know God’s presence will be in that operating room, and for that I am so grateful.  During these next several days, I will be preparing mentally and spiritually to face this once again. I know this is not what people would term “life and death”, and others have gone through much more difficult operations. However, walking the halls of the hospital pushing my IV pole sounds rather inglorious, even though I know that will help with recovery.

So let’s get ready and do this already!

Sorrow That Turned to Joy

If you have ever experienced the death of someone close to you, either a relative or friend, you know the range of emotions you journey through. If this was unexpected, you experienced a kind of shock, disbelief that this could really be true. After shock comes a merciful numbness, the place where you are going through the motions of life but don’t think about what you are doing; you act strictly from memory, not from any original thought process. At some point, the numbness begins to wear off and reality begins to close in, the reality that that person you loved will no longer be part of your life on a daily basis, that all you now have of them are your memories. There will be no more phone calls, no more celebrations of joyful events, no more hugs or sweet words. The hard work of grieving is only beginning, and the earthly relationship you might have taken for granted has ended. There will be tears, gut-wrenching cries as you grasp the new reality of your life without that one.  Time brings some degree of healing but you never “get over” the death of someone close to you; it isn’t a cold, for goodness’  sake!

On the morning we now celebrate as Easter, those closest to Jesus during the time of His earthly life were only beginning to grieve the loss of their friend, teacher and relative. Jesus’ body had been hastily put into a tomb, with only the bare minimum of preparation being done due to the rapid approach of the Jewish Sabbath. When the women returned to the tomb that morning, they brought all the proper spices and cloths to correctly prepare the body of this beloved One for a heart-wrenching farewell and burial. I can only imagine their heaviness, disappointment that Jesus was apparently not their promised Messiah, and the loss of His gentle presence and kindness in the lives of all He touched. What shock they must have felt as they saw that, not only was the grave open, Jesus’ body was no longer there! Who could have done such a despicable thing to their Master, stealing His body as the final insult? And then, as Jesus began to appear to those who knew and loved Him best, what inexpressible joy they now knew as they realized that they would NOT have to grieve because this Loved One was now truly alive! With His resurrection, Jesus not only conquered death on behalf of all mankind, but those who knew Him best had their deep sorrow completely reversed into joy with the knowledge that Jesus was indeed alive, never to die again. They would not have to go through the agony of grieving their loss any further, but could instead rejoice that He was (and is) alive! What an indescribable gift! Man would never again have to grieve without the hope of being reunited with their loved ones; what a mighty God!

How Much Pain Did HE Feel ??

These days I feel as though I am living on borrowed time, as far as my level of pain is concerned. Knowing that I’m facing another surgery and recovery, I feel as though I need to get things ready here at home. Some days I feel ok and ready to tackle these tasks, and then there are days like today… Walking up and down the stairs seems to consume all my energy, and my pain medication isn’t really working as well as I would like. My body is trying to tell me something–and I’m not listening very well! I’ve been reminded of the words to the song, “Blessings”: “The pain reminds us that this is not our home…” No, this earth isn’t my final destination, and that is a blessed, sweet truth: Where I’m going to spend eternity, there will be no more pain at all!! And then I realized why: Someone Else took my pain, along with all the suffering and anguish of every human being who has ever lived on this earth as well.

Today we remember the death of the only innocent Person Who has ever lived on this earth. Jesus took my pain, my sin, every bit of it, and paid the punishment for ALL of it. I will never be able to fully understand exactly what that means, and the magnitude of that act  is beyond human comprehension. How and why someone would willingly put Himself through the physical agony that Jesus experienced defies any logic we may try to apply. The great love Jesus demonstrated by offering Himself as the payment for the sins of all mankind is one we will never be able to fully grasp. Despite the best efforts of the most learned scholars to apply their knowledge to this most remarkable event in recorded history, it remains one of the great mysteries of all time. While we will never be able to fully understand or explain the love of God, we can accept this greatest gift of forgiveness and eternal life as we confess our sins and receive Jesus’ matchless gift of salvation–He already paid for it! The gift is there, waiting to be opened.

No, the pain that I face on a daily basis will never rival what Jesus felt on that fateful day in history. He faced it ALL, without any medication to dull any of His pain. The fact that He was God was demonstrated 2 days later when He came back from His death to full, measured, and confirmed life. His purpose had been accomplished–the work He came to earth to do was finished, and He was able to return to His Father in heaven having completed His greatest work of all: making the way for all mainkind to join Him someday in heaven, His eternal home. “He loves us way too much to give us lesser things…” How true are Laura Story’s words! If pain is one of those “gifts”, then I can receive it, knowing that He has walked through far more and is completely able to comfort me when I need it. Thank You, Jesus, for the gift of the cross!

Preparation

Now that we’ve been t0 a world-class medical facility and all the results are in, we have concluded that our next step is to go forward with the recommendations of the doctors there, which will be surgery. Having been through this same surgery 5 times before, I am experiencing a mixture of feelings. After each surgery I have enjoyed a number of years of remission which has made our lives so much better. We have been processing (again!) the fact that this is a lifelong illness, and whatever time we gain without pain or other symptoms will be the best we can do. While I do not want to be known by my disease, I have to remember that, without divine intervention to heal me permanently, there will be a time that this will come back and disrupt our lives again. It makes me angry, sad, helpless and frustrated that I don’t have any control over this “intruder”.

That being the case, what do we do? The choice is to become bitter and see myself and my family as victims, or to go forward with the confidence that, while I don’t know what the future holds, I have the confidence that God is still in control. Whatever the outcome of the surgery, we can have peace that we rest in God’s hands. I do not, any way, shape or form, look forward to this surgery because I’ve already been there 5 times before. Waking up with a nasal-gastric tube is the one thing that gives me pause. I HATE the tube!! I am also very aware that my recuperative powers may not be what they were 24 years ago when I had my first surgery. As much as I dislike the thought of the upcoming surgery, to go on as we have been is unthinkable. It’s time to fix the damage so that we can go on to live our lives as we choose. After the surgery the doctors want to start me on an aggressive medication treatment to prolong the expected remission. Right now, I just want to be done with it and move forward.

I praise God that I have so many friends and family praying for me and supporting me in every way. My husband has been my rock, encouraging me and helping keep me in a positive mental state. I know that he will be by my side from the minute I’m put under anesthesia and will be with me when I wake up. He will encourage me through the days in the hospital and when I come home, taking any pressure off of me and holding things together as he always does. Although we don’t know exactly what the future holds for us, we are absolutely confident that our God holds us in His strong arms and will walk beside us every step of the way.

Blessings Overflowing

There are times when I am overwhelmed with the goodness of God, seeing that He’s still at work and that He blesses my life  with so many good things. During the past few days, I’ve been able to support my husband during busy political activities and spend time with our youngest child who will, in a few short months, be graduating from college. That means that our trips to College Station, Texas, will become almost nonexistent. After having children there for 10 years it’s hard to believe that we will no longer make periodic visits to the campus for Parents’ Weekend, moving children from one place to another (or moving them home after graduation), celebrating those graduations, and the other occasions we have had to visit. Football and baseball games will still be available, of course, but not quite the same without a student, or students, in the student sections. The good news is that I believe we FINALLY know the words to the Aggie War Hymn (although we still can’t remember whether to put left foot over right or the other way around when we have to sway right and left to “saw Varsity’s horns off”!); however, we haven’t sung The Spirit of Aggieland enough to know those words! Those days will always be memorable for them and for us as well, and as they have gone–and will go on–to the next adventures of their lives, we will enjoy experiencing those with them.

My husband is involved in a statewide political campaign and I am proud to do whatever I can to help him, including traveling to meetings where he is able to speak with potential supporters, meeting and greeeting those who will be involved in this particular election (delegates to the state party convention), researching ways that he can be in contact with voters all over the state, and even speaking on his behalf myself (with fear and trembling!). It is truly a joy to support my husband as he has always supported me. He is a man of principle, the ability to bring people together and always does so with gentleness and civility. Not your stereotypical politician!

I am truly blessed!