Faith Through the Journey

Another Day Along the Journey…

Traveling by air these days is anything but easy. By the time you get through the line to check your bags, you’re off to the security line. Then you have to undress, unpack, go through a full body scanner, redress, repack and head off to your gate. Once again you line up to board, file onto the plane and find your seat, push your belongings under the seat in front of you or hoist it into the overhead bin, trying not to hurt yourself or hit your fellow passsengers in the head. Finally in your seat, where you will spend the next few hours, you try to get comfortable without intruding on another’s space and hope that none of the 120+ people on the plane have any deadly diseases. If you have to change planes, you are required to go through the unloading process, find your next gate (which may or may not have the added “treat” of riding a tram between terminals!), and go through the boarding process again.

This process is arduous enough for a healthy person, but when you are not well it can be  torture to go through this ordeal. Add to that the serious need for a restroom on demand, and travel can be slightly less than fun. I truly enjoy being able to travel with my husband at this time of our lives, and we do manage to have fun along the way, or at least look back on these experiences and laugh at some aspect of them. Continuing to battle this illness after 38 years is a source of frustration, especially now that I am free to travel more often.  Add to that the fact that I can feel fine for a few hours and then I go quickly downhill. Eating, too, is a wild card. Dealing with these rapidly changing circumstances is challenging and I try to keep things to myself as much as I can. After all these years, I am so afraid of disappointing my family or companions by telling them I don’t feel well. My husband is great, and even though I’m always trying to hide how I’m feeling he knows–after 30 years I can’t hide much from him! He’s my champion, blazing trails for me to make quick exits or climbing over three people to help get me to an airplane restroom.

Getting through a day like that, I feel as though I’ve expended enough energy to have run a marathon. Needing to pick up some necessities at the grocery store, I got into my car and the song playing on the radio was “Our God”, a great worship song we’ve been able to hear our son-in-law’s band play as they led worship for a youth gathering. Some of the words to the song are these: “Our God is greater, Our God is stronger, God You are higher than any other”.  Now how did God know I needed to be reminded of that at just that precise moment?? Perhaps because He IS great, stronger, and higher than any other!

Laugh of the Day

Our funny dog, Riley, did it again today. We picked her up at the kennel, and of course she was wild. She wasn’t pleased that I was riding shotgun, but she was willing to sit under my feet as long as I continued to pet her. After awhile she decided to put her nose into the air conditioning vent. When she wasn’t getting enough air to suit her, she climbed onto the console between my husband and me, then leaned against the dashboard. Suddenly we heard music–Riley had turned on the radio! As she continued to lean against the radio, she was scanning the stations.  On cue, she backed away from the radio  and leaned back as she found an easy listening station. It was bad enough when the kids started changing the stations, but now the dog too???

It’s Not All About Me

As I’ve been walking through this seemingly endless journey of the most recent Crohn’s flareup, it’s very easy to feel sorry for myself and think I’m the only one having to deal with those issues. HOWEVER, I do need to remember that there are many other people in this world who have things just as difficult as I do, if not more so. Numerous friends are going through the dark tunnel of seemingly endless pain, some are going through cancer treatment, others are facing financial crises, and I truly realize that I do not have the monopoly on difficulties of life. I know that I am extremely blessed to have incredible family members and friends who love me and are supporting me in every way possible. We have wonderful medical support and are preparing to go to one of the best medical facilities in the world to find out what other options might be available for us in the way of treatment. And the most important thing I MUST remember is that I am a loved and highly valued daughter of the King of Kings. There will neverbe a time when I am outside of His love and care, and whatever comes into my life has already passed before Him. He will never permit anything to happen to me that hasn’t been filtered through His loving hands. Whatever He calls me to do, allows to come into my life, He will always equip me to do. He never intended for me to go it alone, and in addition to the wonderful earthly support system, the God Who holds the universe together is personally overseeing my case! As we trust Him in the midst of life’s storms, He brings peace and the opportunity to encourage others with the truth that they, too, can have the God who created them as their Helper and Companion through every crisis of life. My prayer is that God will remind me constantly that it’s okay to cry and feel sad, and then look around to see someone else who may need to be encouraged in the midst of their personal storm. I’m reminded of a chorus we used to sing many years ago, that goes like this: “Thank You, Lord, for saving my soul. Thank You, Lord, for making me whole. Thank You, Lord, for giving to me Thy great salvation so rich and free!”

On Surrendering

The very term “surrender” can be extremely distasteful. We are constantly being told “Be your own person” or “Do whatever you want, whatever makes you happy”. To some, giving up and surrendering means that they have become a doormat, that they are denying themselves happiness and giving in to the wishes of someone else. Surrendering, they say, makes you less of a person, and it can never bring you anything but heartache. In military terms, surrender means that you have lost the battle, that you have been overcome by the enemy. Surrender, therefore, is not a very popular term in today’s society.

But there is a different kind of surrender that is actually right and good. It involves the giving up of my own will to my God, the One Who created me and Who sacrificed His Son so that I might have eternal life in heaven with Him. Making the initial surrender of my life to Him is only the beginning, because as He continues to show me areas of my life that I am still holding onto, things that I haven’t been willing to let Him have and do with whatever He wants. The ultimate example of surrender of one’s will is that of Jesus, who on the brink of  the greatest injustice of all time, surrendered Himself to His Father, saying “Not My will, but Yours be done”.  Jesus surrendered Himself to His Father, to His executioners, knowing that it was the only way to pay for the sins of all mankind. There are days I am so disgusted with myself that I have to ask the Lord “Why are you bothering with me at all?” The hardest times for me to say “Not my will, but Yours be done” are the ones where we have again been given the news that Crohn’s Disease has recurred in some part of my digestive system. I have to admit that I’m not very happy with God at those moments, that I really have to work long and hard at surrendering my will. It comes down to this: Do I really believe that God wants what is best for me? Do I trust Him to give me His best, even if right now that “best” looks nothing like a blessing from my Heavenly Father? Will I trust Him to give me His strength when I need it most? And most of all, will I ultimately say to Him, “Not my will, but Yours be done”? Surrender is very hard, but the rewards of God’s presence, His peace in the midst of this storm, His strength to go through whatever is required of me, are worth any cost to me. Giving up my “rights”, allowing the God who holds the universe in His hands to do a refining work in me, I am so humbled that He would even WANT TO! Why would I NOT want to surrender my will to Him?

The Food Dilemma

I am a foodie. This is a strange contradiction, since I have a serious digestive disease. What is good for the vast majority of the population is the kiss of death for me. Fiber, whole grains, fresh fruits and vegetables are things 99% of the people in this country should eat, as well as seasonings that add flavor. Since I’m the chief cook for the family, I have had to make sure my family was getting the right nutritional balance of foods. Now that we are down to 2 at home, we do pretty well since my husband is so grateful that I love to cook, and he is willing to try whatever I fix or attempt to fix! I haven’t had too many failures, fortunately, no burnt 0fferings to speak of! When he eats out, he eats more highly seasoned foods and I’m glad he’s able to have those opportunities.

A number of years ago, when I lost about 15 pounds because I had no appetite and found eating very painful, I discovered that I had to try to cook foods with a lot of flavor. I am so thankful for my “friends” at the Food Network for bringing chefs/cooks together who prepare many different food  types, and I have learned how to make more flavorful foods. If it tastes good, I’m much more likely to want to eat the food I prepare. My husband and I also enjoy some of the shows like “Chopped” and “Worst Cooks in America”. I cringe as I watch the worst cooks and my husband says “You mean that’s not how you do that?”. I haven’t gained much of the weight back but at least I can enjoy eating more. Since eating out at wonderful restaurants is one of our favorite things to do together, we can do that more  as I’ve figured out how to enjoy food, even with Crohn’s disease.

Praise

Today I choose to praise God with the words of Jude 24 and 25: “Now unto Him who is able to keep you from falling, and to make you stand in His presence blameless and with great joy. To the only God, our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be the glory and the majesty, dominion and authority both now and ever. Amen.”  Even so come,. Lord Jesus!

“In Sickness and in Health…”

How many weddings have you attended and heard the bride and groom repeat those vows? Do they really have any idea what that means? The ignorance of youth can be bliss, and I’m sure that if every couple could see into the future and see how that vow would be tested, they might turn around and run away from the altar. When Jesus told us to live one day at a time, He knew we couldn’t handle the whole picture at once! When my husband and I spoke those vows, Crohn’s disease was something that might flare up now and then, but nothing we couldn’t handle. We were blessed with 6 very quiet years, during which we had 3 long distance moves and had 2 of our 3 children. When the Crohn’s recurred in 1987, it began a continual pattern of uncertainty that we continue to live with even now.

Through all of these roller coaster years, my husband has been my rock. He has lived out “in sickness and in health” to an extent I know he never thought possible. After so many years of having to pick up the slack at home when I’ve been hospitalized or out of commission, he has never complained or been resentful of the fact that I can’t do what I usually do. He has made middle of the night runs to the hospital and then figured out what to do with 3 small children while he still needed to do his job. He has been my chief advocate with medical personnel who didn’t want to hear anything about my medical history, carried me when I couldn’t walk on my own and made sure I had the very best medical care available. With every anniversary we’ve celebrated our vows have meant more than they did the day we first spoke them (my husband says he doesn’t need to renew his vows because his original ones haven’t expired!). As we’ve watched two of our children take those same vows, I hope that what they’ve seen in us will encourage them to keep those promises when the going may get tough. We know that our faith in Christ has been the sustaining factor through this and all the other highs and lows of our lives, and we are eternally grateful to Him. 

Prayer

I’ve been thinking about prayer today. When my husband left the house for some meetings, he asked me to pray for him and the meetings ahead. I stopped right after he left to do just that, not because I’m so spiritual but because I’m very human. If I put off praying for someone that has asked me to pray, I easily forget unless I do it right away. My children and my husband often ask me to pray for something specifically , and I pray for them even when they don’t ask! How often do you hear someone say “You’re in my prayers” and yet they never get prayed for? The Bible talks very specifically about how we’re supposed to pray, as I John 5:14 says “And this is the confidence we have in approaching God, that if we ask anything according to His will, He hears us.” The key to having our prayers answered is that we ask in agreement with God, with all the things He commands us to do in His word. He will never say yes if we pray for something that we know is contrary to what He has already said is right somewhere in the Bible. And He is not our personal Santa Claus–when we approach Him, we don’t just hand Him our wish list, but we start by praising Him, acknowledging His goodness, love and power.

As we have walked–again–through this Crohn’s Disease recurrence, it has seemed more intense and relentless than the others with which we have dealt. In addition to the progressing disease that has wreaked havoc throughout my digestive system, I have dealt with pain that is with me 24/7. For over a year I’ve gone to a pain management doctor, and together we have tried drug after drug, none of which was effective at controlling my pain to a degree where I’ve been able to function. None of the drugs approved for use in treating Crohn’s Disease has stopped the spread of the disease either. When I reached a low point not long ago, I just told God that I couldn’t do this any more, that I was at the end of my ability to fight both the disease and the pain. God’s answer to me was one that, humanly, makes no sense, and yet I had forgotten its importance. His answer was a difficult one to be able to carry out: the simple act of praising God, not for what He’s done, but because HE IS GOD!! As I am obedient to praise God through the most painful and difficult times, I find I’m strengthened spiritrually and emotionally, even when the physical healing is not coming. The enemy of our souls, Satan, has to flee when the name of Jesus is spoken, and He can’t torment with doubts and fears when I am praising God. Often the praise is expressed, for me anyway,  through music. There is a song that Laura Story sings, called Blessings, that has meant the world to me. The powerful words to the song express her heart’s cry: “What if Your blessings come through raindrops? What if Your healing comes through tears? What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You’re near? What if the trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise?” Job himself said: “Shall we accept good from God, and not trouble?” So then, if I want to pray according to God’s will, I have no choice but to praise Him. I know that He hears me!

My Four-Legged Furry Friend

My buddy, companion by default, and funny friend Riley was in desperate need of a bath. She loves to be petted, but every time she came up beside me she smelled like a wet, smelly dog (and she wasn’t wet at the time). I take her to a self-serve dog wash connected to the doggy day care Riley has attended periodically, so I loaded Riley up in my car and off we went. Riley LOVES to ride shotgun in my Jeep, although I also know that after her bath, she is very wild and runs all over the car, nearly hanging herself on her leash. Fortunately we live very close to the day care, so she can make it home without choking. She ran to my daughter’s bed, her favorite place to sleep during the day, and I didn’t hear from her for several hours. When she did come downstairs, she was limping and one of her paws was bleeding. Feeling like a terrible mom, I loaded Riley back into my car and went off to the vet. They are just around the corner and even though I didn’t have an appointment, they were able to look at her. After an exam and $132, Riley and I left with a diagnosis of a cut on her foot which was cleaned and bandaged, pain medication and antibiotics, and a vaccination that was due. Oh well, spending all my energy on the dog today was not what I had planned but at least I can face the rest of the family knowing that I took care of the family pet. Now I have to make kennel reservations … My youngest daughter will want to put her up in a 5-star hotel for sure now!

My Four-Legged Furry Friend

My buddy, companion by default, and funny friend Riley was in desperate need of a bath. She loves to be petted, but every time she came up beside me she smelled like a wet, smelly dog (and she wasn’t wet at the time). I take her to a self-serve dog wash connected to the doggy day care Riley has attended periodically, so I loaded Riley up in my car and off we went. Riley LOVES to ride shotgun in my Jeep, although I also know that after her bath, she is very wild and runs all over the car, nearly hanging herself on her leash. Fortunately we live very close to the day care, so she can make it home without choking. She ran to my daughter’s bed, her favorite place to sleep during the day, and I didn’t hear from her for several hours. When she did come downstairs, she was limping and one of her paws was bleeding. Feeling like a terrible mom, I loaded Riley back into my car and went off to the vet. They are just around the corner and even though I didn’t have an appointment, they were able to look at her. After an exam and $132, Riley and I left with a diagnosis of a cut on her foot which was cleaned and bandaged, pain medication and antibiotics, and a vaccination that was due. Oh well, spending all my energy on the dog today was not what I had planned but at least I can face the rest of the family knowing that I took care of the family pet. Now I have to make kennel reservations … My youngest daughter will want to put her up in a 5-star hotel for sure now!